RWBY: The Abridged Crackfic Parody
by XA2000
Summary: Ah, RWBY! Everything seems to start out normal with Salem doing the opening narration. But what's this? Another narrator has come onto the scene, who without a doubt writes Fanfiction. What can Salem do to stop this random writer from ruining RWBY? What will happen to the characters of RWBY? What horrifying changes will happen to the canon? Who might possibly die...or worse?
1. Humble Humorous and Non-Canon Beginnings

Volume 1 (Technically Season 1), Chapter 1: Humble, Humorous, and Non-Canon Beginnings

 **Disclaimer: I do not own RWBY, and you better be glad I don't.**

 **A/N: Now before I begin there's something I need to say...I...uh...don't like RWBY all that much. Now don't get me wrong, the show is FANTASTIC. It's just that magical fantasy anime isn't my cup of tea, especially when it takes place in a school or an academy. Something about those kinds of settings is a major turn off for me, even video games like the Legend of Zelda, Final Fantasy, and Kingdom Hearts (That includes the book and movie versions of Harry Potter too).**

 **So now you're wondering "Why would this author write a fanfiction if they don't like RWBY?" Well here's why. This show is popular, VERY popular, to the point where I hear about it almost every day. So I had the bright idea to write a parody for RWBY, just to make fun of it and possibly make the fans mad. Yet didn't feel like forcing myself to watch the entire series (The show is kinda meh for me). Plus there are so many other parodies of RWBY on this site that it would seem needless to write one, and not to mention that I'm out of touch with this fandom. So I got an even better idea, I would use the fourth wall breaking co-narrator formula I used in my parody of Five Nights At Freddy's Sister Location in a RWBY parody. But not a parody, an Abridged Crackfic Parody. It's not a story where complete randomness happens, and ends with randomness. It's a story that starts off as a parody, turns into a Crackfic, yet still has a serious under lying plot line to it. Even with all that said there's still one huge problem, me watching RWBY. Now here's where my final bright idea comes in, I would watch RWBY one episode at a time, then write a chapter based on my thoughts during that episode (Which will greatly work thanks to my ignorance to some of the canon). So with the longest Author's Note I've ever written out of the way, let's move on with the story. Oh, and spoilers, obviously.**

* * *

 **Ah, RWBY, one of the most-if not most popular animated series on the internet. How does this grand magical journey start?**

 _"Legends, stories scattered through time"_

 **Of course, narration! One of the most common ways to start off a story.**

 _"Mankind has grown quite fond of recounting the exploits of heroes, and villains. Forgetting so easily that we are remnants, byproducts, of a forgotten past. Man, born from dust, was strong, wise, and resourceful, but he was born into an unforgiving world. An inevitable darkness, creatures of destruction, the creatures of Grimm; set their sights on man and all of his creations. These forces clashed, and it seemed the darkness was intent on returning man's brief existence to the void. However, even the smallest spark of hope is enough to ignite change, and in time, man's passion, resourcefulness, and ingenuity led them to the tools that would help even the odds. This power was appropriately named "Dust". Nature's wrath in hand, man lit their way through the darkness, and in the shadow's absence came strength, civilization, and most importantly, life. But even the most brilliant lights eventually flicker and die. And when they are gone... darkness will return. So you may prepare your guardians, build your monuments to a so called "free world", but take heed... there will be no victory in strength._

 **Alright, so we have narration about the birth of humans, check. Ancient evils forces that have been around since forever, check. A battle between humans, and the a** **ncient evils forces, check. Humans winning said battle thanks to the discovery of something, check. Humans building civilization, check. Then darkness returning after years of peace, check. Any more narration that I've heard before in other fictional works?**

 _"...Who are you? How are you talking to me?"_

 **I'm the narrator of course.**

 _"No, no no no. I'M the narrator, the Mysterious Narrator of RWBY, and the only narrator"_

 _"_ But perhaps victory is in the simpler things that you've long forgotten. Things that require a smaller, more honest soul" Ozpin chimed in.

 _"Well, Ozpin is too...somehow."_

 **Well, this is MY Fanfiction, so that automatically labels me as the narrator.**

 _"Wait, A FANFICTION!? Oh God, what are you going to do? Ship me with someone? Do a crazy "What if" scenario? Write a Highschool AU? Switch everybody's genders? Make the females Futanari's? Or worse, add in your own original character!?"_

 **It's technically an Abridged Crackfic Parody, but all and all it's still a Fanfiction. Then to answer your questions, I'm merely going to change a few things here and there for my own personal liking, Salem"**

 _"You idiot! You've name dropped me way too early! The audience isn't supposed to know my identity until the conclusion of Volume 3!"_

 **So? Your name's on the character list for this story, and I put a spoiler warning in my Author's Note. Also, you were revealed at the end of SEASON 3, not Volume 3.**

 _"Hmph, whatever. Get on with your pathetic Fanfiction so I can leave"_

 **Don't you wanna co-narrate with me?**

 _"If only to point out anything ludicrous you've done, then yes"_

 **Good. With Salem accepting her role as co-narrator, we can move on with the story.**

"What about me?" Ozpin asked.

 **You can just go away until your first appearance in RWBY.**

 _"I second this decision"_

"Oookaaayyy byyyee" Ozpin sadly sang, referencing "Do you want to build a Snowman" from Frozen.

 **Let's see, everything starts out pretty much the same. We see a partly shattered Moon with no explanation on how it got like that (And most likely won't). Roman and his quadruplet gang walking down the street, shadow bystanders being afraid of them (As usual in any show). Then...ah, here we go! This is where things will start to change.**

 _"Oh God, here we go"_

 **Roman and his black suited goons walked into the "From Dust Till Dawn" store, and headed straight for the counter. Roman, being the sly guy I'm assuming him to be, leans onto the counter with his left arm and says** "I would like to order six slushies please. One "I'm a Smooth Criminal" strawberry for me, one banana "Bad Girl" for my female friend outside, and four "Here comes the Boom" black berry cherry's for the gentlemen behind me"

"Sir, this is a Dust shop. We don't sell slushies named after popular songs here" the elderly cashier explained.

"We? Whose we? You're the only worker in this barren shop, and what do you mean you don't sell slushies? There are clearly slushie machines on your walls" Roman brought up, pointing to both his left and right sides.

"Those aren't slushie machines, they're tubes containing dust" Shopkeep answered.

"Ugh, fine. Then I would like six drinks please. One hot chocolate for me, one cinnamon latte for my lady friend outside, and four black coffee's for the darkly dressed gentlemen behind me" Roman ordered.

"We- I, don't sell those drinks here" the old man told Roman.

"WHAT!? But aren't those bags of cocoa, and coffee beans on the shelves behind you?"

"No, they're bags of Dust"

"Bloody hell" Roman muttered, hanging his head down. As the secondary antagonist hung his head down, he saw what he thought to be huge hard candies in the shop keepers glass counter.

"Ooooooo, can I buy six of those crystal hard candies?" Roman asked.

"Those are Dust Crystals, not hard candies" Shopkeep corrected.

"Oh come on! Do you have ANYTHING edible in this store!?" Torchwick shouted.

"No" the balding man flatly answered.

"Soup?"

"No"

"What if all I see is soup?"

"Then I'd say you stole that joke from the internet"

"..."

"Sir, unless you're here for dust, crystals, books, tools, cartridges, or scales; then I'm afraid you and your friends will have to leave"

"...Screw this" Roman said. The smooth criminal snapped his fingers, letting one of the goon squad members know to pull out a gun, and point it a Shopkeep.

"It seems as though my "friends" and I WON'T be enjoying any slushies, warm drinks, or candy tonight. So in compensation for that, we'll be robbing you" Roman announced to Shopkeep.

Under pressure from having a gun pointed at him, the cashier replied "Please, just take my lien and leave".

"Wait, do you mean linen as in the textile made from the fibers of a flax plant? Or lien, the currency used in Remnant?" Roman Atwood the YouTube star questioned.

"The currency used in Remnant. Why in the world would I offer you fabrics?"

"Because lien kinda sounds like linen" the super sexy criminal answered. "Anyway, we're not going to take your money, we're going to take your dust...buuuuut it would be a huge missed opportunity if we didn't take your lien too"

Roman proceeded to hold out his hand, which Shopkeep put lien onto. "Good, now grab the Dust my minions for hire"

The quadruplet that was pointing his gun at Shopkeep put it away, and pulled a container full of smaller round containers out of thin air. Said quadruplet opened the case, and pulled a cylinder out, which the other siblings followed in doing.

"They don't talk much, do they?" the store owner asked.

"Only when they're asked questions, or-"

"Hey kid!" one henchman shouted.

"Robbing somebody" Roman finished, still leaning on the glass counter.

 **So how do you like the story so far Salem?**

 _"It's ridiculous. Roman originally came to "From Dust Till Dawn" for DUST. Yet you have him trying to order slushies, drinks, and candy. Did he even read the sign? It would be understandable if the first thing Roman saw were the tubes of Dust and not the sign, but-"_

 **Don't put so much thought into this story. It is an Abridged Crackfic Parody after all, anything can happen without any eggsplanation.**

 _"...Why did you make an unnecessary egg pun?_

 **Worry about that later, Ruby's about to make her grand entran-"**

"AAAAHHH! Why are there voices inside my head while I'm reading a pornographic weapons magazine?" Ruby yelled to the heavens.

 **Woah, woah, wait...Ruby...you can hear us?**

"Yes, I can hear you two!"

 _"Noooooooo! The characters aren't supposed to hear my narration!"_

"Who are you, and why do you sound kind of evil?" Ruby inquired.

 _"I can't answer those questions since you're not supposed to know about my existence...yet"_

 **Well I can answer those questions since I don't give a crap about the canon.**

 _"DON'T YOU DARE!"_

 **The voice freaking out right now is named Salem, she's the big bad bad girl in your world.**

 _"DAMN YOU!"_

"Then, who are you?"

 **Apparently I'm now the new Mysterious Narrator since Salem's identity has been revealed.**

 _"They're some random Fanfiction writer on the internet"_

 **DAMN YOU TOO SALEM!**

"What's a Fanfiction?"

 **That's not important right now Ruby, because you're about to be "robbed".**

"Huh?" the confused girl turned around to face a man pointing a sword at her. "Are you...robbing me?"

"Yes...actually no. I needed to make it seem like I was robbing you in order to talk to you" the henchman explained, putting his sword away.

"Ah!" Ruby responded, dropping her hood and taking her headphones off. "So, what do you need?"

"I was wondering if you knew of any slushie places around here. The guy who hired me to be his "friend"/goon mistook those Dust tubes for slushie machines"

Ruby then looked behind the goon to look at the walls "I can see why your contractor would mistake them for slushie machines. But, didn't he read the sign? Everybody reads a store's sign before they enter"

"He looked through the window first, saw the Dust tubes second, dragged me and my brothers in third, and never once thought about reading the sign"

"Oh"

 _"You only added that part in because I said something, didn't you?"_

 **Maaaaayyyyyybeeeeee :)**

"Can you guys please be quite?" Ruby pleaded. "Two people in my head having a conversation is annoying"

 **Hey, you know who you remind me of right now Ruby?**

"Uh...my mom?"

 **No, Deadpool.**

 _"The Merc with a Mouth?"_

 **Yeah, he dresses up in red and black, has two voices in his head, has a few- scratch that, A LOT of screws loose.**

"I do NOT have any screws loose!"

 _"Says the one who has a weapons fetish"_

"It's not a fetish. It's just an unusual sexual attraction"

 **That's exactly what a fetish is -_-**

"Uh...kid. Who are talking to? And are you gonna answer my question about slushies?

"Oh ho, right, sorry" Ruby blushed in embarrassment. "I'm new to town, so I don't know of any slushie places around here"

"Aw man" the henchman said with disappointment.

"Hey, wait a second! Are you guys robbing this store!?"

"Uh, yeah. Do you want in?"

"Huh!? Why would I help you!?" Ruby asked flabbergasted.

"Because the color scheme of your outfit is the same as me and my brothers'"

The black haired girl looked at her clothes and at the goon's. "I see what you mean. But..."

* * *

 **Back with Roman**

"I wonder why that kid is yelling about fetishes, and not having any screws loose"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" a henchman shouted as he went flying across the store, crashing into the front wall.

"Whoah! Hold on now!" an alarmed Roman said.

The goons for hire ran to the back of "From Dusk Till Dawn", with Roman in front of all of them to confront Ruby.

"Uh, excuse me. You just kicked my friend- er, I mean, "friend" all the way to the front of this store" Roman Reigns reiterated, making sure to use air quotes around the word friend.

"Uh, excuse ME, but you guys are robbing this store" Ruby insinuated.

"Only because THAT geezer falsely advertised his Dust!"

"Maybe you should've read my store sign, dumbass" Shopkeep insulted

"ZIP IT GRAMPS!" Roman shot back

"Don't tell that nice, and possibly perverted old man to zip it!" Ruby defended.

 _"Possibly perverted?"_

 **Almost every single old man in an anime is perverted.**

"DON'T YOU GO TELLING ME TO NOT TELL THAT POSSIBLY PERVERTED OLD MAN TO ZIP IT!" a seething Roman told Ruby.

"AND DON'T YOU GO TELLING ME TO NOT TELL YOU TO NOT TELL THAT POSSIBLY PERVERTED OLD MAN TO ZIP IT!" Ruby tongue tied.

"AND DON'T YOU GO TELLING ME TO NOT TO TELL YOU TO NOT TO TELL ME NOT TO TELL YOU TO NOT TO TELL ME TO NOT TELL THAT POSSIBLY PERVERTED OLD MAN TO ZIP!" Roman tongue tied back, making Ruby's tongue tie even more tongue tying.

"AND DON'T YOU GO TELLING ME TO NOT TO TELL YOU TO NOT TO TELL ME NOT TO TELL YOU TO NOT to tell me not to not to tell...GAH! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!" Ruby pointed out.

 _"Indeed"_

 **Kick their asses!**

* * *

 **Outside**

 _*CRRRRAAAASSSSHHH!*_

 _"Really? Onomatopoeia? You were too lazy to describe the sound of breaking glass? Or about how the streets were calm before Ruby kicked four people through a window? And why put it in my font?_

 **That's too much detail for a Crackfic.**

 _"Oh, so you don't posses the skill level to write a non-Crackfiction?"_

 **Hey! I have two normal stories posted on this website with detail in them (I really need to finish my Steven Universe Death Crystal story, it's been a year and a half). So I do posses the skill level, I just want to write a fun, non-serious, not so detailed Fanfiction.**

 _"Show me. Show me that you're a skilled enough writer to have detail in your stories"_

 **I don't have to show you anything!**

 _"Do it for the Vine!"_

 **Wha- how do you know what that is?**

 _"I have no idea. I'm just copying what you humans do, and now I feel stupid"_

 **You better feel stupid, because that trend died out before your reveal in Season 3.**

 _"Well then, do it for the fans!"_

 **The fans?**

 _"Yes...or what few fans you'll have for this story"_

 **...Fine.**

 _"That's right, you better obey your dark goddess!"_

 **I'm getting you back for this later...all right, let's rewind.**

The empty desolate streets of Vale in front of "From Dust Till Dawn" had not one soul in them. Not one shadow human, main character, Grimm (obviously), or small creature. As if all living beings knew what was coming, or the animators didn't have the budget to add in any bystanders. The only thing present were the street lamps, casting their dim light (Even though the Moon casts plenty of light. Seriously, why put up street lamps when you have a natural source of light shining so brightly?). Yes, all was peaceful in this quiet part of town, when suddenly...

 _*CRRRRAAAASSSSHHH!*_

The right window of "From Dust Till Dawn" broke with a shattering crash, due to four people being sent flying outside. Roman, the Smooth Criminal, and his three "friends" of the goon squad (With one member currently unconscious inside the store) landed on the pavement with broken glass sprinkled around them.

 **Happy now?**

 _"Yes, very"_

 **Just remember what I said about getting you back.**

 _"Whatever you mere mortal"_

"Ugh...ouch" Roman muttered in pain as he got up.

The bowler hat wearing smooth criminal looked around and saw his lackeys still on the ground.

"Get up you lazy mooks! We have to get away from your crazy sister!" Torchwick urged.

"She ain't our sister" one henchman grunted facedown in pain.

"Then why do her clothes have the same color scheme as yours!?" Roman asked.

"...Ya know what? That's a good question" the same henchman answered.

"Hey bowler hat guy!" Ruby shouted to Roman, now standing outside.

"Damn" Ancient Rome whispered under his breath as he turned around. "Look here now Red, we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot"

"You mean the foot I used to kick all four of you out here?"

"Uh, yeah, sure. But that's not-"

"So you want me to kick you with my left foot instead of my right?"

"No. What I mean is-"

"I feel more comfortable using my right foot. But if that's what you want then I'll gladly oblige" Ruby said before running towards Roman.

"W-wait a second you crazy girl!" R.T yelled in defiance, trying to run away.

It was no use however, due to girls having naturally stronger legs than guys. Ruby caught up to Roman in less than 3 seconds, and firmly kicked him between his tight asscheeks with her left foot.

"YYYYYYYOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUCH!" Mr. Torchwick howled as he was sent flying to a nearby rooftop.

"Whoops, I kicked him way too hard" Ruby said to herself.

"I'll say. You practically planted your foot in his asscrack" some random henchman commented.

"Yeah, pretty sure your foot passed the no entrance zone too" another one chimed in.

"Dude's gonna be pickin' a wedgie out his ass for hours" the henchman that was talking to Roman added.

"Yikes, I better go check on him" the raven haired girl replied to them, staring at the rooftop.

"Out of sympathy, or to lock him up?" one henchman inquired.

"Both"

* * *

 **Rooftop**

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ouch" Roman kept saying, trying to walk to the edge of the roof with a super deep wedgie.

"Hey again bowler hat guy!" Ruby called out as she Superman jumped on the roof.

Mr. Smooth Criminal stopped at the opposite edge of the roof, looked back at the black haired girl and muttered, "Persistent".

Just then an aircraft called a Bullhead (Which looks nothing like an actual bull's head, or Bullhead Catfish) popped up and only made noise after it got into Ruby's line of sight. Roman, not wanting to fight Ruby for some reason, jumps in the flying metal deathtrap.

"Roman, did you get the slushies?" a "mysterious" woman (Who always has her face hidden in this chapter. Either by shoddy camera work, or a very out of place dark shadow) asked "When in Rome" as he walked near her seat.

"I couldn't find any"

"What do you mean you couldn't find any? You told me you saw a slushie store after calling me on my Scroll (Basically a Smartphone)" the mysterious woman that totally isn't anybody named Cinder questioned.

"I couldn't find any, there was only Dust"

"What do you mean there was only Dust! You went into a freaking slushie store, right?"

"I mean there was only Dust"

"Did you get out of the Dust aisle!?"

"Yes, and there was more Dust!"

"What do you mean there was more Dust!?"

"It was just more Dust!"

"Did you go to the next aisle over!?"

"There was still Dust!"

"Where the FUCK were you at!?"

"At Dust!"

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU WERE AT DUST!?"

"I MEAN I WAS AT DUST!"

"WHAT GODDAMN STORE WERE YOU IN!?"

"I WAS IN "FROM DUST TILL DAWN"!"

"WHY IN THE FUCKING HELL WERE YOU BUYING SLUSHIES AT "FROM DUST TILL DAWN"!?"

"FUCK YYOOOOOOUUUUU!"

The totally not Cinder named woman instantly got up and grabbed Roman by his grey Fred Jones from Scooby-Doo ascot. "Listen here you eyeliner wearing, Micheal Jackson "Smooth Criminal" looking Bowler Hat Guy from Meet the Robinsons motherfucker. If you ever talk to me like that ever again I will roast you to ashes"

"Y-you mean with your fire magic or by verbally pointing out my flaws?" Mr. Torchwick asked.

"Both" the "mysterious" woman clarified with glowing fiery yellow eyes...or fiery light orange eyes...yellow-orange? Banana yellow?

"Hey uh, Ms. Mysterious Lady. Are you associated with that bowler hat guy?" Ruby interrupted, shouting up at the Bullhead.

 **Her name is Cinder Fall.**

 _"No! Don't tell her th-"_

"Oh, sorry Cinder. I didn't call you by your real name" Ruby Red Rose Slippers from the Wizard of Oz apologized.

 _"Goddamn it!"_

"How do you know my name!?" Cinder angrily yelled, throwing Roman down in the Bullhead.

"The voice in my head told me" Ms. Rose truthfully answered.

"...So...you have telepathy?" the woman in high heels guessed.

"Nope"

"You're...just straight up crazy" Cinder assumed.

"Why do people keep saying that!? I'm just unique!" Ruby defended.

"Right, well...goodbye" Cinder bid before shooting a fireball from her right hand.

"Maybe if I stand here like an idiot someone will save me at the last second" the girl mused to herself.

Cinder's fireball continued on it's path towards Ruby, who merely stood there. Fortunately and coincidentally, a blonde woman who isn't Yang jumped down from out of nowhere to block the attack.

"What!? Where did SHE come from!?" Roman asked, prompting a very important question that'll never get answered.

"I have a feeling she's going to get saved at the last second A LOT in life. Either by other people, or a spontaneous power boost" Cinder responded, referring to Ruby.

Rome-wasn't-built-in-a-day took note of the blonde's attire. "I'm 99% sure she's a teacher"

"Prove it" the bad black haired girl urged.

"Well, she has her hair in a bun, wears glasses, has a static as fuck face, wears a black skirt, black stockings, and high heels" Roman listed.

"Yep, that's a teacher. A basic anime teacher" Cinder agreed and insulted.

"At least I don't have an out of place shadow covering my face" Ms. Goodwitch pointed out, shooting a barrage of blue laser things with her wand.

"Eeeeeeeekkk!" Roman screamed like a girl as he dived for the Bullhead controls.

"Oh yeah. Run away like a scared little bitch. Real manly Roman Numerals" Cinder commented harshly before shooting a fire blast at Glynda.

Ms. Goodwitch blocked the attack with some sort of magical shield. But by blocking the fire blast it caused little pieces of glass...lava...er, Dust to fall on the ground around her and glow brightly.

"Shit" Glynda cursed before jumping backwards and avoiding an explosion.

Said explosion caused some debris to fly up into the air, which formed a straight line at the wave of Ms. Goodwitch's wand.

"Damn it! Roman, get us out of here...and make sure you go to an ACTUAL slushie store this time!" Cinder ordered.

"Aye aye captain" Roman responded.

"Oh no you don't" Glynda shouted, shooting her straight line of debris at the Bullhead.

Unfortunately due to plot reasons, Glynda's attack barely missed the Bullhead. Thus allowing the criminal duo to fly away into the night.

Ms. Goodwitch blankly stared at the escaping Bullhead before turning her head towards Ruby. The teenage raven haired girl had over exaggerated anime eyes filled with extra glare and stars.

"Y-your a Huntress, r-right?" Ruby stuttered to asked with wonderment in her voice.

"Yes" Glynda flatly answered.

"Can I have your autograph!?" Ruby suddenly blurted out.

* * *

 **Interrogation Room**

"WHAT!? H-how did I get here so fast!?" Ms. Rose exclaimed, looking around the room.

"I hope you realize that your actions tonight will not be taken lightly, young lady. You put yourself and others in great danger" Glynda accused as she paced around the room.

"They started it!" Ruby defended.

"That's a lie. You're associated with them because the color scheme of your clothes match those of the street level goons' suits" the blonde teacher pointed out.

"N-no! You've got it all wrong! Isn't there some convenient footage of me stopping them that you can pull up on your Scroll (Tablet)?" the darkly dressed girl asked.

"If it were up to me you'd be sent home...with a pat on the back" Glynda started.

Ruby's face lit up with happiness.

"And a thorough BDSM session" Ms. Goodwitch finished, licking her lips.

"WH-WHAT!?" Ruby stuttered in utter shock. "Just because I do sexual things with Crescent Rose doesn't mean I'm into BDSM!"

"WHAT!? Y-y-y-you have a sexual relationship with your weapon!?" the blonde stuttered back in shock.

"Alright, that's quite enough you two" Ozpin interrupted, entering the room with a plate of cookies. "Besides, you're only supposed to do that to me Glynda"

"You never let me" Goodwitch stated.

"That's beside the point" Ozpin said as he set the plate of cookie's down. "So Ruby, have you been hearing voices in your head lately?"

"Yes! One of them is this evil sounding woman named Salem, and the other is a Fanfiction writer!" Ruby told both Beacon Academy staff members, and then stuffed all the cookies in her mouth like a chipmunk.

"Salem!?" Glynda shouted.

"Don't worry, Salem won't be bothering us in this story. Right, Fanfiction writer?" Ozpin addressed.

 **Yep, she's nothing more than comic relief.**

 _"What do you mean I'm nothing more than comic relief!? I'm one of the most serious characters in RWBY!"_

 **Not in this Fanfiction. Matter of fact, I have a surprise for you at the end of this chapter.**

 _"I sense bullshit"_

"You two argue like an old married couple" Ozpin teased.

 **Woah, hold on there Wizard of Oz. I'm a real person, and shipping myself with a fictional character is just weird and creepy.**

 _"Agreed"_

"Ha ha, I'm just kidding" the silver haired man dismissed.

"You can hear them too!? Then I'm probably not going crazy!" Ruby exclaimed with joy in her face.

"Or maybe we're both crazy" Oz suggested.

The joy drained from Ruby's face.

"Sorry for bursting your bubble. But just to move the plot along, my name is Ozpin, you have silver eyes which won't be important until the end of Volume 3-"

 **Season 3.**

"I'm sorry, season 3. And you're cordially invited to my academy. Good? Good. You'll be hugging your sister in the next scene" Ozpin listed.

"What? Scene?" Ms. Rose questioned.

* * *

 **Airship**

"Oh, I can't believe my baby sister is going to Beacon with me! This is the best day ever!" Yang gleefully said as she tightly hugged Ruby.

 **WHAT!? Yang is Ruby's sister!?**

 _"Yes, and?"_

 **I, uh...may have made a huge mistake.**

 _"What did you do!?"_

"Ack, you've never hugged me this tight unless you're having an orgasm" Ruby exclaimed with short breath due to the tight hug.

"Only because nobody makes me cum like you do~" Yang whispered seductively into Ruby's ear.

"Oh stop it" Ruby replied with a deep blush on her cheeks.

 _"..."_

 **Salem?**

 _"..."_

 **Salem?**

 _"..."_

 **Sa-**

 _"WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS THIS!? You have single handedly put one of the most disgusting ships of RWBY into this Fanfiction! They're sisters damn it! SISTERS! That's fucking incest! Wh-why!? Just...WHY?_

 **Because I watched a part the Season 3 finale.**

 _"And?"_

 **And I saw the part were Ruby and Yang were talking to each other in a bedroom. Yang lost her arm and was telling Ruby everything that happened after she passed out from her Silver Eyes giving her a spontaneous power boost.**

 _"And!?"_

 **Ruby said "I love you" to Yang before she left.**

 _"FUCKING AND!?"_

 **So I assumed they were gay.**

 _"You just...you just assumed they were gay. Did you even know they were sisters!?"_

 **No.**

 _"Ugh, this is what happens when you don't watch a series in order"_

 **...I'm keeping my ship.**

 _"It's...fucking...incest! Do you condone incest!?"_

 **No.**

 _"Then why would you keep it!?"_

 **Because...Crackfic reasons.**

 _"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?"_

"Hey, old married couple. Can you keep it down? I'm trying to talk to my sister with whom I'm in an incestual relationship with" Ruby demanded.

 _"Someone...anyone...end this nightmare"_

 **Don't worry, it's not going to get any worse...for the characters. I can't say the same for you.**

 _"Ozpin, help me! You can't possibly sit idly by and let this fool ruin RWBY!"_

 **...**

 _"..."_

 **...Looks like he really doesn't care.**

 _"Oz! You bastard! I know you can hear me!"_

"Sorry, but I promised the narrator to never speak unless I make a physical appearance" Ozpin told Salem.

 _"I don't care! Just help me get rid of him!"_

"Again, I'm sorry. But I love seeing you pissed off" Oz joked.

 _"Are you serious!?"_

"Yep, bye-bye" Oz bid.

 _"Ozpin? Ozpin! Get your silver headed ass back here!"_

 **He's gone Salem.**

 _"OOOOoooOOOooOO...I wish I weren't immortal so committing suicide could be an option"_

A 2-D animated holographic newscast which was silent up until this point began to make sound in the Airship. It showed a mugshot of Roman Torchwick, who looked like a smug orange haired dickbag.

"The robbery was led by nefarious criminal Roman Torchwick, who apparently only wanted slushies. If you have any information on his whereabouts, or know why he robbed a Dust store for slushies, please contact the Vale Police Department. Now back to Bulma from Dragon Ball Z's ugly twin sister" Cyril Ian insulted.

The screen changed from Roman's mugshot to a furious Lisa Lavender. Who had angry white anime eyes.

"Well thanks for that jackass!" Lisa screamed to her co-worker.

"No problem Bulma ripoff" Cyril nonchalantly said.

"Grrrrrrr" Ms. Lavender growled before calming down, allowing her eyes to turn back to normal. "In other news, this Saturday's Faunus Civil Rights protest turned dark when-"

"You mean the Furry Civil Rights protest?" Cyril interrupted.

"For the last time Cyril! It's the Faunus Civil Rights protest! Calling them Furries is raciest!" Lisa corrected.

"I believe you mean speciest, because Furries aren't a race of humans" Cyril corrected back.

"Whatever!" Lavender said, trying to change the subject before she blew a fuse. "Now, the Saturday's Faunus Civil Rights protest turned dark when members of the White Fang disrupted the ceremony. The once peaceful organization has now disrupted-"

"Why do they call themselves the White Fang if their symbol is a red wolf with three claw marks? Shouldn't they be called the Red Fang instead?" Cyril interrupted again, prompting a good question.

"GGGGRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! I SWEAR TO WHATEVER GOD YOU BELIEVE IN, I WILL FUCKING RIP OUT YOUR GODDAMN LUNGS, SHOVE ONE DOWN DOWN YOUR THROAT, AND SHOVE THE OTHER ONE, UP YOUR-"

The newscast got cut off as a hologram of Glynda appeared.

"Jesus, those two get too riled up in the morning" Ms. Goodwitch said to herself, referring to Cyril and Lavender. "Anyway, hello, and welcome to Beacon!" the blonde teacher greeted.

"Psst, who's the blonde bimbo?" Yang whispered to Ruby.

"My name is Glynda Goodwitch" she revealed.

"Oh" Yang replied, having her question answered.

"Like you're one to talk" Ruby remarked, poking Yang's breasts.

"You are among a privileged few who have received the honor of being selected to attend this prestigious academy. Our world is experiencing an incredible time of peace, and as future Huntsmen and Huntresses, it is your duty to uphold it. You have demonstrated the courage needed for such a task, and now it is our turn to provide you with the knowledge and the training to protect our world" Gylnda announced, before the hologram disappeared.

"Didn't we already know that?" Ruby asked.

"Yeah, but you know. School. They tell you stuff you already know to sound smart, and prestigious" Yang answered.

"Right...oh look!" the younger sister shouted as she ran to the window.

Outside the window lied Beacon Academy, which isn't to be confused with Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Beauxbatons Academy of Magic, Durmstrang Institute for Magical Learning, Ilvermorny School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Uagadou, Mahoutokoro, Castelobruxo, Koldovstoretz, College of Winterhold, Arcane University, Rowan Academy, Burg Magic School, Balamb Garden, Brakebills College for Magical Pedagogy, Carthak University, Greenlaw College, Groosham Grange, The Lisbon School of Magic, Magic School, Miss Cackle's Academy for Witches, Miss Robichaux's Academy for exceptional young ladies, Roanoke Academy for the Sorcerous Arts, Roke: The School of Magic on Roke Island, Veritas, Unseen University, Will O' Wisp Academy, Witch University, Wizard's Hall, Alice academy, School of magic, Magicians' Guild/University, The Colleges of Magic.

 _"Good Lord. Are there any more magical academies?"_

 **Those were mostly from western literature. Do you want me to list the ones from anime too?**

 _"No...please...no. This story is giving me a massive headache"_

"Yep, that's a nice view" Yang commented as she walked next to Ruby. "Can't wait get to get down there, unwind" the blonde smacked Ruby on her ass. "Have some fun~"

"Hey, save it until tonight" the raven haired girl jokingly warned her sister.

"By the way, do you still have sex with Crescent Rose?"

"Only when I'm desperate" Ruby revealed.

"So all the time?" Yang deadpanned.

"Yes" Ruby truthfully revealed this time.

"Ugh, please Ruby, no more Crescent Rose threesomes" Yang groaned.

"But it's not the same without her" Ruby whined, making puppy dog eyes.

"...Oh...alright. Only because you're so cute" Yang gave in, giving Ruby a hug.

 _"This is so...ugh! I can't even put into words how disgusting this is!_

 **Well don't flip out yet, because it's about to get worse...for you.**

 _"I assure you, there's nothing worse than incest in a Fanfiction"_

* * *

 **Last Night while Cinder and Roman were Making their Getaway**

"So...Cinder. You and me...are we ever-"

"Don't even think about it Roman" Cinder snapped

"Why? Is there something wrong with me? Is there somebody else?" Roman questioned.

"I'm in a healthy relationship with my mother, Salem" Cinder answered.

"Salem? Sounds kinda evil, but either way...YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MOTHER!?" the Smooth Criminal shouted in surprise, almost wrecking the Bullhead.

"Yes, and she has a bigger dick and balls than any man or Faunus hope to have" the evil girl added.

"Y-YOU FUCKED-"

Cinder's eye's started glowing "Watch your mouth around me, especially when talking about mother"

"Okay, let me rephrase that...YOU HAD SEX WITH YOUR MOM!? THAT'S INCEST, AND IT'S FAR FROM A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!" Roman yelled.

"She's not technically my mother, more like my mother figure. So it's not incest" Cinder explained.

"I-it may not be incest since you're not related, but still! She's your mother figure!" Roman argued.

"Salem is love, Salem is life" Cinder responded.

"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?" Roman screamed in utter confusion.

 _"WHAT!? WHAT IS THIS FOOLISHNESS!? I WOULD NEVER- AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!"_

 **Are you okay?**

 _"What kind of malevolent human are you!? You, and a hand full of other Fanfiction writers have to be the most disgusting and evil people on the planet! There's so much incest at the end of this story, not to mention all the other stuff that I can't list out since there's so much actual BULLSHIT! And what's that about me having dick and balls!? I don't-"_

 _*Salem feels a huge mass grow in her groin area*_

 **Uh, see you in chapter 2, bye!**

 _"No...please no"_

 _*Salem slowly lifts up her dress, muttering no in fear and nervousness. She fully lifts her dress, and sees something that makes her eyes go wide in absolute terror*_

 _"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

* * *

 **The Entrance to Beacon Academy**

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Salem's scream echoed.

Ozpin was standing near the main entrance of Beacon Academy, took a sip of his cocoa, and said "Ha! Hashtag LOL!"

* * *

 **A/N:** **Hope you enjoyed the story, and if you didn't, feel free to leave a hate comment. I'll make sure to make you even more angry. Because as an old internet troll once said, "If you have haters, you must be doing something right". Seriously, look at how many people hate Teen Titans Go, now look at the ratings. That show is doing something right...until Cartoon Network started running it into the ground.**


	2. The BGGGSTGGSC Shining Beacon Part 1

Volume 1 (Technically Season 1), Chapter 2: The Beaming Gleaming Glowing Glimmering Sparkling Twinkling Glittering Glistening Shimmering Coruscate Shining Beacon, pt 1

 **Disclaimer: I do not own RWBY, and you better be glad I don't.**

 **A/N: Wow, this story blew up (In a good way) faster than I expected. It even got more favorites, follows, and reviews in a 24 hour time span than my other stories did in the same amount of time. With that said, here's chapter 2. I originally wanted it in one whole part instead of two like in the show, but I got finished faster than I expected, and decided to post half of it early**

* * *

 **Whelp, here we are in chapter 2 Salem.**

 _"..."_

 **Salem?**

 _"Don't talk to me"_

 **What did I do?**

 _"What did you do? You know very well what you did to me!"_

 **Oh, the dick and balls.**

 _"How can you say it so calmly like it's no big deal!?"_

 **Because it's not MY problem. It's yours.**

 _"Yes, but YOU caused my problem! The worse part is that my new "package" is unnecessarily big, like...ridiculously hentai comic big"_

 **I think you mean re-dick-ulously hentai comic big. *Cue Trollface***

 _"SHUT UP! I can't even THINK about Cinder without my...meat cylinder getting stiff! Her nice, firm, tight ass...DAMN IT, THERE I GO AGAIN!_

 **Well I feel uncomfortable. Why don't we move on with the story?**

 _"Yes, please"_

 **Our story opens up with the Airship Ruby and Yang were on docking into bay. After docking, Ruby, Yang, and the shadow people start walking down a path towards Beacon Academy. Just before the two sisters actually got to the main part of Beacon, they stopped and stared at the building in wonderment, while everyone left them behind.**

"Wowwwwww" both sisters said in amazement, even though most of Beacon wasn't detailed due to Rooster Teeth's animation budget.

"The view from Vale's got nothing on this" Yang commented.

"I thought the view from under my skirt had nothing on anything" Ruby derided.

"Oh, don't worry about that sis. The view under your skirt is the best" the blonde teased.

"Oh you" the darkly dressed girl replied before gasping at the sight of a shadow student carrying a weapon. "Sis, that kid has a collapsible staff! I wonder how far it'll go in my vagina" Ruby said that last sentence as if she were a wild animal, or Grimm.

"Woah, Ruby. I thought you were loyal to Crescent Rose. Aren't you happy with her?" Yang questioned.

"Of course I'm happy with Crescent Rose. But sometimes I wonder what another weapon would feel like inside of me" Ruby answered.

"There's nothing wrong with wondering as long as you don't go through with it" Yang advised, referring to Ruby's relationship with Crescent Rose, and the relationship between both sisters. "By the way, have you thought about making some friends?"

"Why would I need friends when I have you?" the black haired girl asked back.

"That's sweet Ruby, but everyone needs at least one friend besides the person their in a relationship with. Especially if that person is their sister"

"Aw man" Ruby whined.

"Hey Yang!" some random shadow person shouted from a group of three others.

"Huh? Who are you guys?" Goldilocks inquired.

"Don't you remember us? We're your old friends from...uh...somewhere" another shadow person informed Yang.

"Sorry, none of my old friends are shadow people" Yang told the silhouetted people.

"Oh" all four shadows sighed in defeat.

"Although, I'm not against to making new friends. Let's hang!" the blonde decided.

"Yay!" the shaded people shouted in happiness before running off with Yang.

"What!? Yang! What about me!?" Ruby yelled out to her sister. With no sign of seeing her incestual sibling stopping anytime soon, Ruby decided to fall backwards in defeat. Unknowingly, she landed on a silver bell cart, and sent white suitcases sprawling everywhere.

"Like, what are you doing!?" an angry sounding Valley Girl shouted at Ruby.

"Oh, sorry. I just fell backwards in defeat, that's all" Ruby explained to the other girl.

"Sorry? Like, do you have any idea of the damage you could've caused!" the girl continued to shout.

"I said I was sorry. Are you on your period or something?" Ms. Rose questioned.

"Like, if I was, I totally wouldn't be wearing all white" the white dressed girl answered.

"Even your panties?" Ruby continued to question.

"Ugh, like, why would you wanna know that!? Are you some kind of pervert!?" the pale girl assumed.

"No...maybe...somewhat...yes. But only for weapons! I honestly didn't mean to seem perverted when I asked you if your panties were white" the black haired girl explained.

"Like, okay"

"By the way, do you have sex with your weapon?"

"Like, what!?"

"I said, do you have sex with your wea-"

"Like yuck! No! What is wrong with you, you sick little girl!?"

"Sick little girl?"

"Yes! Like, what are you even doing here? Someone as young and perverted as yourself shouldn't be attending Beacon!" the white haired girl harshly ridiculed.

"I was personally invited here by Ozpin" Ruby answered.

"Ozpin? Like, as in headmaster Ozpin? Why would he let someone like YOU in Beacon Academy?" the snobby girl pressed.

"I dunno. He also said that I have Silver Eyes which won't be important until the end of Volume 3-"

 **Season 3.**

"I'm sorry, Season 3" Ruby corrected.

"You know what? I totally don't even care anymore. You're going to make me late for the assembly" the valley girl dismissed. "And pick up this mess man servants"

"Yes ma'am" two men dressed in suits begrudgingly replied simultaneously.

"Man, working for a rich snobby family sucks Salem dick" one servant whispered.

"Would you be quiet? Salem and her legendary dick are just fairy-tales" the other whispered back.

"Wow, man servants. You must be-"

Before Ruby could finish her sentence, the all white dressed girl walked away.

"Sigh" the silver eyed girl sighed. "And I'm still laying on the ground"

"What are you doing? Meow meow" a calm voice asked.

 _"No, you didn't"_

 **I did :)**

 _"It's bad enough you made Weiss talk like a Valley Girl, now your making Blake say meow in every sentence?"_

 **I originally wanted Blake to say meow, and only meow every time she spoke. But some Furries are based on animals that don't make any noise, so I decided against it.**

 _"It's Faunus"_

 **Like, it's the same thing, so I totally don't even care.**

 _"You're going to make Weiss say the same sentence, aren't you?"_

 **Yep.**

 _"Goddamn it"_

"Lying here in defeat, listening to the voices in my head. You?" Ruby asked back.

"Trying to get to the assembly. Meow meow" the bow haired girl that totally isn't a Faunus (Furry) answered.

"Well, it's right up ahead. Don't let me and my weirdness stop you" Little Red Riding Hood told the not Furry.

"...Okay. Meow meow" the meowing girl said before walking around Ruby and going on her marry way.

"Sigh. Welcome to Beacon" Ruby sighed sadly.

 _"Wait a second. Where's Jaune? I haven't seen him in the story at all"_

 **Oh...him.**

* * *

 **A few days earlier at Jaune's house or wherever he lives at**

"WWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Jaune cried, face down in his pillow.

"Uh, son" Jaune's dad said, trying to get his son's attention (I have no idea what this dude looks like. So imagine Flint Lockwood's dad from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs).

"What dad!? Can't you see I'm crying about not being accepted into Beacon!?" the blonde told his father.

"Yeah, but wasn't your transcript fake?" Tim Lockwood asked.

"Yeah, so?"

"So a professional academy like Beacon should be able to spot a fake transcript when they see one" the father told his son.

"But I wanted to become a Hunter, and be the most powerful one due to bullshit reasoning" Jaune whined.

"Well, look on the bright side. You get to spend more time with me at the sardine store" the bald man happily said.

"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh" the most OP character in almost every RWBY Fanfiction groaned.

 _"I'm...actually okay with this"_

 **You are?**

 _"Yes. I found it strange how Ozpin let Jaune enroll, despite knowing of his fake transcript"_

 **Finally! Something you like in my version of RWBY.**

 _"True, but I'm more concerned over who you're going to replace Jaune with"_

 **Oh...uh...**

 _"I can already feel a headache coming on"_

* * *

 **Back with Ruby**

The defeated protagonist continued to lay on the ground until a shadow came over her. She looks over to who, or whatever is the cause of the shadow, and sees a yellow outstretched hand.

"Hi, I'm Spongebob"

 _"What!? Wh-why!? Why did you replace Jaune with...that thing!?"_

 **Because they both represent the color yellow.**

 _"I get that, but this is RWBY, an entirely different show. Sponge Boy belongs in his own show under the sea!"_

 **Poor delusional Salem. This where the Crackfic part comes into play, because with that one simple word, anything can happen. Even nautical nonsense like bringing in characters from other shows.**

 _"Even with all that said, he's still going to join team JNPR?"_

 **Yes.**

 _"Then your Sponge needs to follow the Color Rule"_

 **The heck is that?**

 _"Look it up"_

 ***Proceeds to look up, and read the RWBY Color Rule* Okay, why do I need to do this?**

 _"Because it's what the creator of RWBY, Monty Oum, wanted his fans to do with their OC's"_

 **SpongeBob isn't technically my OC, he's Stephen Hillenburg's. So I don't have to follow it.**

 _"Okay, but can you at least change his name so it'll match team JNPR?"_

 **Nope, that sponge is a cartoon icon, and I refuse to change his name.**

 _"Then how will he be apart of team JNPR!?"_

 **Easy, replace the J with S, and call them team SNPR (Sniper).**

 _"...That was...actually pretty clever of you"_

 **Thank you.**

 _"Just don't go over board with adding characters from other shows. This isn't a crossover"_

 **Alright, even though there's nothing you can do if I didn't agree with you...sucker"**

 _"Suck a dick"_

 **You want me to suck your dick!?**

 _"No, I mean- gah! Just get on with the story!"_

"Uh, Ruby" the girl replied, taking SpongeBob's hand and standing up. "Are you...some kind of Faunus?"

"Faunus? GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No, I'm a Sea Sponge" the square being answered.

"Oh"

* * *

 **A few Seconds Later**

"All I'm saying is that Jelly Fishing is a more common thing in the Bikini Bottom" SpongeBob told Ruby.

"Look, I'm sorry, but I've never heard of anything like that except for regular fishing for, y'know, actual fish" Ruby replied.

"Oh yeah? How about Eels and Escalators?" Mr. Squarepants asked.

"You mean Chutes and Ladders?" the darkly dressed girl guessed.

"Never heard of it. Either way, my full name is SpongeBob Squarepants. It's long, sweet, rolls off the tongue, kids love it" the sponge reveled.

"Why kids?" Ruby questioned.

"What!? I'm not a pedophile!" SpongeBob shouted in nervousness.

"I-I didn't say that!" Ruby defended.

"Oh, sorry" the square being sheepishly apologized, looking guilty of something else entirely.

"Uh...so...I got this thing" Ms. Rose said before pulling out Crescent Rose.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH! The Grim Reaper!" SpongeBob screamed in fear.

"I'm not the Grim Reaper...although I could reap Grimm with Crescent Rose" Ruby figured.

"Oh, that's cool. A little violent for my tastes, but cool" Mr. Squarepants commented.

"So what've you got?" Ruby inquired.

"I, uh, got this bubble wand" SpongeBob stated before pulling it out from his back pocket.

"Ooooooh. What does it do?"

"Well, it has an infinite amount of soap in it so I don't have to refill it. Thus allowing me to blow as many bubbles as I want" the sponge explained.

"But, aren't they just bubbles?" Ruby questioned further.

"If you don't have an imagination. Which I'm sure you have" Spongebob further explained.

"True...anyways, I'm kind of a dork when it comes to weapons. I guess I did go a little overboard when designing mine" the silver eyed girl admitted.

"Wait. You made that?"

"Of course! All students at Signal forge their own weapons. Didn't you make yours?"

"I literally bought this in my hometown at a store called the Barg'N-Mart"

"Sounds more like a plastic toy to me...well, I like it! Not many people have an appreciation for simplicity these days"

"Ha! Yeah, simplicity"

"Hey, where are we going?"

"I dunno, I was following you"

"So we're lost"

"Don't worry, there has to be a directory somewhere. Maybe even a Krusty Krab type of restaurant. Or some sort of recognizable landmark, like a pineapple, or an Easter Island Head, maybe even a Tree-Dome"

"...What kind of town do you live in?"

"A town full of nautical nonsense"

 **Aaaannnd done.**

 _"You're going to end chapter 2 right there?"_

 **Yep, Rooster Teeth did it with the original episode. So I'm doing it in my Fanfiction.**

 _"Alright, I don't see a problem. Your just giving me a break from this ludicrous story"_

 **By the way, Cinder is walking in your castle right now.**

 _"WHAT!?"_

 **Don't be too rough on her, if you catch my drift.**

 _"Y-YOU ABSOLUTE DISGUSTING PERVERTED MOTHERFU-"_

"Mother, who are you talking to?" Cinder asked from behind Salem.

 _"Oh no"_

* * *

 **In that Circular Room where Salem Trains Cinder in the Episode "Taking Control"**

Salem slowly turned around with a flaccid, yet steadily hardening member. She quickly put her hands over her groin area to block any visible movement before facing Cinder.

"Uh, Cinder d-darling. What are you doing here?" Salem asked, trying to put on her best motherly impression with a smile.

"I came to give you a slushie. You have no idea of the headache I went through trying to get this" Cinder answered, referring to Roman.

"O-oh, thank you" the witch thanked, reaching out her right hand to grab the cold drink.

Before Salem could obtain the slushie, her member suddenly pitched a tent in her dress.

"Damn it!" Salem cursed, trying in vain to hide the long rod.

"Hmm~ My, my. Looks like mommy can't control herself around me~" Cinder teased sexually.

"N-now listen here Cinder! I know we may have done some venereal activities in the past, but-"

"Don't worry" the black haired girl stated as stood the slushie cup on the floor and got on her knees.

"Ngh, wait...don't...don't...mmph" Salem trailed off, rubbing her thighs together in nervousness. She honest didn't want this to happen, but the new hormones in her body clouded any judgement.

"I'm going to make you feel reeeeal good mommy~" Cinder cooed, looking up at Salem with a face that would make anyone horny.

"You know what? Fuck it. None of this is canon anyway" the white haired woman decided.

"What was that?" Cinder inquired.

"Nothing. Get on with the oral sex" Salem demanded.

"Yes Ma'am!" Cinder happily agreed.

 **I, uh...did not expect you to go along with this.**

 _"I don't, yet I do at the same tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmme"_

 **Salem?**

 _"Oooooooohhhhh my fucking God~ I never knew Cinder, or humans in general could fit something so long and massive in their throats~ Ahn!~"_

 **Fuck this, I'm out! See you in chapter 3! *Proceeds to run for the hills and wash eyeballs out***

* * *

 **A/N: Done! I hope you all like the story so far, because I plan to go all the way up the SEASON 3 finale. I'm not going to rewrite SEASON 4 since it seems kinda, I dunno, mellow. Anyway, favorite, follow, or leave a review, it lets me know you're enjoying the story. See you next time!**


	3. The BGGGSTGGSC Shining Beacon Part 2

Volume 1 (Technically Season 1), Chapter 3: The Beaming Gleaming Glowing Glimmering Sparkling Twinkling Glittering Glistening Shimmering Coruscate Shining Beacon, pt 2

 **Disclaimer: I do not own RWBY, and you better be glad I don't.**

 **A/N: I don't really have anything to say except to enjoy chapter 3. So...enjoy :)**

* * *

 **Ah, chapter 3. I wonder what's gonna happen this ti-**

 _"I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THAT!"_

 **Uh, did what?**

 _"Let Cinder give me a, uh...what are those things called?"_

 **A blowjob?**

 _"YES, THAT!"_

 **Okay, what's the big deal?**

 _"The big deal is that I'm supposed to be her feared mentor in the canon. But let's disregard the canon for a moment, and look at this story's canon, BECAUSE THAT'S A BIGGER DEAL! In your twisted version of RWBY, I'm basically Cinder's mother, with a HUGE penis! I'm surprised she didn't choke to death sucking this thing!_

 **No, your her mother figure.**

 _"Same damn difference! Either way, I'm Cinder's MOTHER, and we have an unhealthy incestual relationship. The worse part is that I enjoyed having a blowjob from her!"_

 **You liked it. Isn't that a good thing?**

 _"NO, IT'S NOT! I'm not supposed to succumb to your story, I'm supposed to reject it! But this human male organ clouded my judgement, and made me WANT to do venereal activities with Cinder! It's fucked up for a human to write, and find entertainment in that"_

 **I don't enjoy it, I'm just writing it because of ri-dick-ulous Crackfic reasons.**

 _"STOP USING THAT TIRED ASS PUN AND- ouch!"_

 **What's wrong?**

 _"Headache...a headache is what's wrong"_

 **Do you want me to stop writing this story?**

 _"I do, but I know you won't"_

 **Yer darn tootin'! Let's get er on!**

 _"Ugh"_

 **Chapter 3 of our Abridged Crackfic Parody version of RWBY opens up with Ruby and SpongeBob walking into Beacon's auditorium.**

"Ruby! Over here! I saved you a spot!" Yang shouted over to her sister.

"Oh! Hey, I-I gotta go. See you after the ceremony!" Ruby told SpongeBob before running off to Yang.

"Okay, bye!" the sponge shouted to the main character. "Gee, what a nice girl. I wonder if there's anybody else as nice as her in this school" SpongeBob said that last sentence to himself as he walked away to reveal a red headed girl standing behind him, who literally popped up out of nowhere.

"How's your first day going, incestual little sister?" the blonde question after Ruby got next to her.

"You mean since you ditched me after meeting those shadow people? By the way, what happened to your "new" friends" Ruby harshly asked.

"Meh, I left their group. All they do is stand around and murmur to each other, like background characters in a show" Yang answered.

"Oh, well, I met a rich snobby Valley Girl" the black haired girl replied.

"Pfffft, are you being sarcastic? There's no such thing as Valley Girls" the blonde said, trying not to laugh.

"I'm telling you, she's REAL! She always says "like" in her sentences, and she also says "totally" sometimes too. Then her attitude just SCREAMS rich and snobby. I tried apologizing for falling into her luggage bell cart thing, and she wouldn't accept my apology. So I asked her if she was on her period, she said she wouldn't be wearing all white is she was, then I asked if her panties were white too, she called me a pervert, I denied it, but asked her if she has sex with her weapon, she said no, and called me a sick little girl, then she asked me what a sick little girl like myself is doing in a place like Beacon, I said that Ozpin personally invited me, she said she didn't care anymore, and told her man servants to pick up her luggage, they mentioned Salem's dick, who is a voice in my head."

"Wait, a voice in your hea-"

"Then before I could comment on how rich somebody must be in order to have man servants, she walked away!" Ruby finished, interrupting Yang.

"YOU!" Weiss yelled from behind Ruby.

"Oh God, it's happening again!" Ruby shouted, burying her face between Yang's boobs.

"Like, your lucky I totally didn't report you to the police for sexual harassment!" the white haired girl complained.

"Oh my God, you actually met a Valley Girl" Yang commented in disbelief.

"I didn't mean to! I mean, I didn't mean to sexually harass you!" Ruby told Weiss, taking her face out of Yang's breasts.

The Valley Girl held a piece of paper in the protagonist's face.

"What's this?" the raven haired girl inquired.

"A restraining order, or like protective order, it's totally an order used by a court to protect a person or entity, and like the general public in a situation involving totally alleged domestic violence, harassment, stalking, or sexual assault. In Remnant, every kingdom has like, some form of domestic violence restraining order law, and many kingdoms also have totally specific restraining order laws for stalking and sexual assault" Weiss explained to Ruby.

"WHAT!? But I didn't-"

"Like, you really wanna start making things up to me?" the snobby girl asked.

"Absolutely" Ruby replied in uncertainty.

"Then like, read this, and totally don't ever speak to me again" Weiss commanded, handing Ruby the paper

"Look, uh, it sounds like you two just got off on the wrong foot. Why don't you start over and try to be friends, okay?" Yang suggested.

"Yeah! Great idea, Sis" Ruby agreed before heavily kicking Weiss in her vagina.

"LIKE, OUCH!" Weiss screamed in pain, falling on the floor.

"RUBY! Why did you do that!?" Yang loudly questioned.

"Oops, sorry. This exact same thing happen to me and this bowler hat guy last night" the darkly dressed girl apologized. "But that's no excuse, I'm really sorry"

"Like, I totally don't...need your apology...just stay as far away from me...as the restraining order tells you" Weiss groaned on the ground.

"Okay, but are you just gonna lay there?" Ruby asked.

"Until...my vagina like...stops throbbing" the Valley Girl answered.

"In pleasure or pain?" Ruby continued to ask.

"LIKE, IN PAIN YOU DUMBASS...and maybe a little bit of pleasure" Weiss mumbled the last part of her sentence.

"What was that?" Ruby inquired.

"Nothing" Weiss hissed.

After Weiss' hiss, headmaster Ozpin walked up to the microphone on stage.

"Ahem...I'll...keep this brief, because I have a feeling there's going to be an interruption nobody but Ruby and I can hear" Ozpin announced.

"What?" Ruby questioned.

"You have traveled here today in search of knowledge" Ozpin started.

 _"Hey Oz! Do you know what kind of knowledge I acquired?"_

"To hone your craft, and acquire new skills" Oz continued.

 _"Hone my craft? Ha! I honed my dick and let my so called daughter suck it with her blowjobing skills!"_

"Pfft, a-and w-when you have finished, you- you plan to dedicate your life to the protection o-of the people" Oz stuttered, trying to contain his laughter.

 _"How can someone protect people with a giant hentai dick? Huh? Can you answer that Ozzy Wozzy?"_

"Bu- hahahaha! B-but I l-look amongst you, a-a-and all I see is w-wasted energy, in need of purpose, d-direction" Ozpin continued, steadily loosing his cool.

 _"I directed most of my energy down Cinder's throat"_

"Bwahahahaha! What the hell Salem!? Y-y-you assume kn-knowledge will free you of th-this, but your t-time at this school will p-prove that knowledge c-can only carry you s-so far. I-it is up to you to t-take the first step, hahahaha! I-I can't do this, I'm out" Ozpin stated, walking off stage in a fit of laughter.

The 3/4ths of team RWBY looked at each other in confusion. Before any of them could say word to each other, Glynda walked up to the microphone.

"You will gather in the ballroom tonight. Tomorrow, your initiation begins. Be ready, or be prepared to face 50 shades of my wrath" Ms. Goodwitch warned.

"Is that a 50 shades of grey reference, and if so, does that mean we'll get BDSM punishment?" a random shadow person asked from the crowd.

"Yes and yes" Glynda calmly answered.

"Oh shit" the same shadow person replied in fear.

"Oh yeah" another random shadow person said in sexual joy.

"You're all dismissed" Ms. Good witch announced.

"He seemed kind of...off" Yang pointed out.

"That is like, a total understatement" Weiss added, still on the floor.

"Don't worry guys. He was just talking to one of the two voices in my head" Ruby revealed.

"Uh...what?" Yang inquired,

"Like yeah, what voices in your head, and how could Ozpin hear them?" Weiss added again.

"I dunno, but I have a feeling I won't be answering that question due to a scene change" Ruby truthfully told both soon to be team RWBY members.

"A scene change? The hell are you talking about little sis-"

* * *

 **Beacon Academy Ballroom...at Night**

Everyone was currently in the Ballroom getting ready to sleep in their, uh, well, sleeping bags. While also wearing their pajamas, with shadow people having turned into gray shadows for some reason, even though they were black in the beginning of Episode 1 during the nighttime scene.

"It's like a biiiiiiiig slumber party!" Yang excitedly told Ruby before flopping down next to her.

"Yeah, except we can't get down and dirty with all of these people around" Ruby pointed out.

"Damn it Ruby. You had to point out the one negative factor in all of this" Yang complained.

"I'm not the one who wanted to have sex with their sister, so I don't really mind...even though I kinda want to" Ms. Rose responded.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" a nearby grey shadow person yelled in disgust.

"Oh, I didn't say anything" Ruby hurriedly told the shadow, trying to cover up her mistake.

"If only there was someway to get rid of all of these people. Or at the very least go somewhere else for awhile without anybody noticing we're gone" the blonde thought aloud, looking around the room.

As Yang scoped the Ballroom, she saw SpongeBob in his pajamas walking across the huge space. He noticed her staring at him, and waved back saying "Hi"

"Uh, hi" Ms. Xiao Long greeted back before SpongeBob went back to walking.

"What. The hell. Was that?" Yang asked Ruby in bewilderment.

"That was SpongeBob Squarepants, a "non-pedophile", and before you ask, no, he is not a Faunus. Just some sort of square sea sponge" Ruby answered in detail.

"Sooooooo, are you guys friends or something?" the older sister pressed.

"I guess so"

"Good! That's plus one friend! It's a hundred percent increase from having zero" Yang happily told Ruby with a smile.

"Pretty sure Weiss counts as a negative friend. Back to zero" Ruby glumly replied.

"There's no such thing as negative friends. You just made one friend and one enemy"

"Meh" the scythe owning girl grunted.

"Look, it's only been one day. Trust me; you've got friends all around you. You just haven't met them yet" Yang encouraged.

The two sisters notice a candle being lit near a wall, and saw a not Faunus reading a book.

"That girl..." Ruby trailed off.

"You know her?" Yang asked.

"Not really. She saw me laying on the ground this morning, but left after I said not to worry about me" Ruby explained.

"Well, now's your chance!" the blonde stated before standing up and lifting Ruby up by the sides of her hips.

"What are you doing!?" Ms. Rose shouted at her sister.

"Giving you a grand entrance. Now, go get her!" Yang yelled, throwing her sister at Blake.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHH! WATCH OUT BOW HEADED GIRL!" Ruby screamed from midair.

"Huh? Meow meow" Blake questioned, putting her book down to see Ruby flying straight towards her. "WHAT THE!? MEOW MEOW!"

 _*THUD!*_

"Ooooowwwwwwwwww" both girls moaned in pain, with Ruby's groan being muffled due her face being up Blake's skirt and on her groin.

Yang ran over to the black haired girls "Whoops, that was a bad idea"

"Ya think?" Ruby ridiculed, still between Blake's thighs.

"Can you get off my pussy cat? Meow meow" Blake calmly asked.

"If I don't, will you get mad?" Ruby asked back, with her voice still muffled.

"...No. Meow meow" the cat girl decided.

"Uh, okay. So are you guys friends now, or..." Yang trailed off, slightly confused.

"Anyone who flies through the air, and accidentally dives head first into my pussy cat is a friend of mine. Meow meow" Blake answered.

"Yay!" Ruby attempted to shout in happiness, but couldn't due her face still being in Blake's thighs.

"Riiiiiiiiight. Heh heh" Yang replied, weirded out by the current situation in front of her...and slightly jealous. "So, uh, what was the book you were reading before I threw my sister at you?"

"Well...it's about a man with two souls, each fighting for control over his body. Meow meow" Blake explained.

* * *

 **Glynda Goodwitch's Bedroom on Campus (I'm not sure if she has a bedroom in Beacon Academy, so roll with it...even though you've rolled with the story so far)**

"Achoo!" Ozpin sneezed. "Ugh, damn foreshadowing"

"What are you talking about Ozpin?" Glynda questioned.

Oz was currently blindfolded in his underwear, and tied up in Ms. Goodwitch's bed, with each limb tied to a different corner of the wooden bed frame. While Glynda stood next to the bed on Ozpin's left side, wearing a dominatrix outfit.

"4th wall breaking. You'll never understand" Oz replied, facing the ceiling. "Either way, can we get this over with? My wrists are started to hurt"

"Whatever you say~" Glynda darkly sang, turning on a radio on her nightstand.

"Got me lookin' so crazy right now, your love's got lookin' so crazy right now. Got me lookin' so crazy right now, your touch got me lookin' so crazy right now" the radio sang the "50 Shades of Grey" version of Beyoce's "Crazy in Love".

Sweat formed on Ozpin's face "Help me real world Jesus"

* * *

 **Back to Ruby, Yang, and Blake**

"...Why do I feel like something kinky just happened?" Yang inquired.

"Maybe because your totally perverted sister is like, eating out that poor girl!" Weiss shrieked as she stomped up to the three girls.

Ruby quickly took her head away from Blake's groin, and stood up to face Weiss.

"Aw man. Meow meow" Blake said to herself, disappointed that Ruby moved her head.

"No! It's not what it looks like!" Ruby tried to defend.

"Like, it isn't? Then why was your head totally buried in that girls vagina!?" the Valley Girl accused.

"First of, my head wasn't buried in her vagina since she's wearing panties. Second, I'm not a pervert...at least not to other people" Ruby listed.

"I totally don't care anymore" Weiss dismissed. "By the way, are you like, okay bow headed girl?"

"My name is Blake, I'm fine, and...you make my pussy cat purr. Meow meow" Blake admitted with a slight blush.

"LIKE, WHAT!?" Weiss screamed.

"Nothing. Meow meow" the not furry quickly said, blowing out her candle, thus making the whole room go dark.

"HOLY SHIT! HOW DID THAT ONE CANDLE MAKE THE WHOLE ROOM PITCH BLACK!?" Yang shouted trying to find her way around.

"YANG!? WHERE ARE YOU!?" Ruby shouted as well, fumbling in the dark. While doing so, she grabbed what she thought to be her sister's breasts. "Yang? When did your boobs get so small?"

"LIKE, THOSE ARE TOTALLY MY BOOBS YOU PERVERTED LITTLE GIRL!" Weiss vehemently screamed at Ruby.

"Oh, sorry" Ruby apologized, letting go of Weiss' breasts.

The rich girl felt another pair of hands grab her boobs "LIKE, I SAID LET GO YOU PERVERT!"

"I-I did" the protagonist stuttered.

"Sorry, I wanted to see what your tits felt like. Meow meow" Blake revealed.

"WHAT!? LIKE, LET GO OF ME TOO YOU-"

"HEY! SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP OVER HERE!" a shadow student yelled over to the soon to be team RWBY.

 **Done!**

 _"Meh"_

 **What? No underhanded comment towards me? The Fanfiction writer who's ruining RWBY?**

 _"I've gotten use to your craziness, so I'm not as "emotional" as I was before"_

 **Okay, I personally don't care how you feel about my story anyway.**

 _"Tell me something I don't know"_

 **Cinder's coming back to your castle for another round with you.**

 _"YOU SON OF A-"_

 **The End...of Chapter 3.**

* * *

 **A/N: That's it for Chapter 3. I might be delayed in posting chapter 4 since I need to update two other stories. Also, I plan to randomly kill off two side characters, and replace them. One replacement will be from a magical anime (Not RWBY), and the other will be from a live-action comedy movie. Anyway, favorite, follow, and/or leave a review/comment, it lets me know if your enjoying the story. Until next time!**


	4. The First Launch, Part 1

Volume 1 (Technically Season 1), Chapter 4: The First Launch, Part 1

 **Disclaimer:** **I do not own RWBY, and you better be glad I don't.**

 **A/N: Sorry for not posting sooner, I get into periods where I don't feel like writing. Anyway, this may sound surprising to some of you, but I feel like the quality of this story has gone down since chapter 2. So I did my best to make chapter 4 more** **reminiscent of chapter 1.**

 **Also, I went to the RWBY Sub-Reddit and pissed off some people on accident. I lost 10 whole karma points because of that :)**

* * *

 **Ah, Chapter cuatro.**

 _"What the hell is a cuatro?"_

 **It means four in Spanish.**

 _"Oh, that real world language"_

 **You don't know Spanish?**

 _"Spanish doesn't exist in the world of RWBY"_

 **...Weird. Anyway, the actual episode of "The First Step" opened up with Nora waking Ren up, right?**

 _"Yes...why?"_

 **Hold on. Then Nora has a hyperactive bubbly personality, right?**

 _"Get to your nonsensical point already"_

 **My point is, Nora's the perfect character to be a nymphomaniac in this story.**

 _"...No. Even though I can see why you would make her like that"_

 **Well either way, you can't stop me. On with the story!**

 _"Fucking hell. Just have me die in your Abridged Crackfic Parody and end my suffering"_

 **Nope.**

 _"Curse you"_

 **Chapter 4 starts out with Ren waking up in a grassy area somewhere on Beacon Academy. This obviously edgy, sexy, and cool character is startled to have woken up in a place like this. But a familiar face soon comes into his eyesight, and greets him by saying** "Wake up lazy bud!"

"Oh God" Ren groggily groaned from just waking up.

"It's morning, it's morning, it's morning, it's moooorning" the orange haired girl sang aloud.

"Nora, where are we?" the Asian teen questioned (Even though there aren't any different races in RWBY, and if there are, no one mentions them)

"We're at Beacon Academy silly!" Nora answered with the brightest smile humanly possible.

"Okay, but why are we outside?" Lie Ren continued to question.

"Because I carried you here"

"Okay, but WHY did you carry me here?" Mr. Lie pressed further.

"To have sex with you"

"Damn it Nora. I told you to stop raping me"

"It's not rape unless you give consent, and you gave yours when you said, and I quote, "Nora, you can use me to fulfill any of your sudden sexual urges"" Ms. Valkyrie explained and quoted in her best Lie Ren impression.

"Yeah, but can you at least do it when I'm awake? It feels like rape if I have no idea it's going on" Ren argued.

"And interrupt your beauty sleep? I'm not taking a chance on ruining all that sexiness" Nora argued back, starting to walk away. "Now come on, we have to get ready for our initiation"

"My balls are going to be the size of BB pellets when this is over" Ren muttered to himself as he got up.

"They aren't already?" Nora yelled back to him.

* * *

 **In the Locker Room, or whatever this place is called**

Mr. Lie stood in front of his open locker, gathering his equipment. While Nora babbled on behind him.

"I can't believe we've been at Beacon for a full 24 hours! Not that I thought we'd get kicked out or anything, I mean, we almost got caught last night when we were having sex. Though it was mostly me doing the work since you were off in dream land! But it's just crazy, you know? We've been friends for soooooooo long! What are the odds we'd still be together? Well, not friends, more like friends with benefits. Not that I'm not saying we couldn't be boyfriend and girlfriend, you are SO fucking hawt, but that'd just be weird, right? No! What was I thinking!? But still, I hope we end up on the same team together! Oohhhh! We should come up with some sort of plan, to make sure we end up on the same team together! What if we bribe the headmaster? No, that won't work. He's seems like the non negotiable type. I know! We'll have some sort of signal! Like a distress signal! A secret signal so we can find each other in the forest! Can you cause a strong gust of wind by flexing, preferably shirtless? Nah, completely naked" Ms. Valkyrie rambled and finished with a question.

"Nora" Ren finally said.

"Yes?"

"I...might be able to do that" the teenager with super realistic hair for a 3D "anime" confirmed.

"Yes!" Nora shouted.

"But not completely naked" Ren added, somehow sliding his gun, weapon, things, up his sleeves...

 **What the hell are those?**

 _"Ren's StormFlower? They're a pair of fully automatic pistols with sickle like blades attached vertically under the barrels"_

 **Okay, but what's with the name? I get that guns can be as destructive as a storm, but where does the flower part come in?"**

 _"There's a lotus emblem on the grip panels on both pieces of his StormFlower"_

 **Thanks...ya damn RWBY nerd.**

 _"Bite me"_

 **Where? :)**

 _"My dick"_

 **...Forget I asked that.**

 _"That's what I thought"_

"...Good enough for me!" Nora cheerily replied, grabbing Ren by his arm. "C'mon, let's go!"

The two "lovers" (If you want to call them that) began to walk out of the locker room...well, technically Nora was dragging Ren out by his arm.

"Holy shit! Ruby, did you see how fucking realistic that Asian kid's hair was? I could point out every single strand of hair too!" Yang exclaimed in shock.

"I know, and it's soooooo long! I'm...actually kinda jealous" Ruby admitted. "Also, what's an Asian?"

"It's, uh...um...I...don't know. But I get the strange feeling my last name is Asian too"

"Huh, interesting. Anyway, do you wanna be on my team?" the black haired girl asked.

"Uh, yeah! I can't have anybody being shipped with you. YOU. ARE. MINE" Yang loudly told her younger sister.

"Shipped?" Ruby asked.

"Yeah, shipped. Whenever someone gets on a team with someone else, there's ALWAYS shipping going on. So to keep you from being shipped with anyone else-" Yang interrupted herself to put one arm around Ruby. "I'm staying as close to you as possible"

"Yay!"

"Although, when we form teams there's going to be two other members"

"No, can't it just be us?" Runny Ruby whined.

"I wish. Unfortunately Beacon, or should I say Ozpin, doesn't work like that"

"Ugh, that's total bullsh-"

"Like, make way bitches" Weiss demanded as she pushed past the two sisters, stopping Ruby mid-sentence.

"Hey! Excuse you Princess Elsa!" Yang angrily growled.

"And like, excuse you Super Saiyan Goldilocks" Weiss shot back. "Oh, and that Ice Princess wishes she looked as good as me"

"What and icy Valley Girl" Ruby commented.

"I know right? Calling me Super Saiyan Goldilocks; who does she think she is?"

"Weiss Schnee" a voice suddenly said.

"EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!" Ruby screeched, jumping into Yang's arms (Similar to how Scooby-Doo jumps into Shaggy's arms).

"She is the heiress of the vastly influential, rich, snobby, and snooty Schnee Dust Company family. Meow Meow"

"Huh?" Ruby turned her head towards who spooked her at first. "Blake!?"

"In the fur- er, uh, I mean flesh. Meow meow" Blake greeted, correcting herself.

"Super Saiyan Goldilocks" Yang angrily pouted under her breath, with Ruby still in her arms.

"I know I'm going to get my ass chewed off for saying this, but...you literally go Super Saiyan whenever someone messes with your hair" Ruby told her sister.

"I do not!" Yang rebuffed, dropping Ruby flat on her ass.

"Ow, at least you didn't literally chew my ass" Ruby remarked, rubbing her hurt bottom.

"I only do that in the bedroom" the blonde revealed with a devious smirk.

"What!? Meow meow!" Blake shouted.

"Uh, blonde moment" Yang lied.

"Oh. Meow meow"

"Anyway, I can prove you go Super Saiyan. Like the time you kicked dad in his balls for looking at your hair funny, and it was just because he had an eyelash in his eye!" the black haired girl stated.

"Yeah, but I didn't go Super Saiyan"

"Only because he didn't actually touch it the wrong way. Like when he pulled your hair on accident while brushing it. Your hair started glowing, you began to let your aura (Basically Ki) seep out, got insanely strong, and your eyes went completely white. Only to use that boost of energy to uppercut dad through the ceiling!" Ruby listed.

"D-did not" Ms. Xiao Long stuttered in an obvious lie.

"Did too!" Ruby accused.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too. Meow meow" Blake said, adding herself into Ruby and Yang's argument.

"What!? You weren't even there!" Yang pointed out.

"Was too. Meow meow" Blake defended.

"Was not!"

"Was too. Meow meow"

"WAS. NOT!"

As the three future team RWBY members continued to bicker and backer, a conversation of nautical nonsense was about to insure. All started because of one white haired girl...it's Weiss. Just in case you didn't know.

The Ice Princess strutted up to a preoccupied Pyrrha Nikos, who was looking at drawings in her locker.

"Ahem, hello there Mr. Nikos" Weiss greeted, surprising the redhead.

In one quick motion, Pyrrha slammed her locker shut and whipped around to face Weiss. "Uh, h-hi there...you..." the love interest of Jaune Arc in RWBY trailed off as she saw one of her illustrations float down on Weiss' head.

"Like what? Is there something wrong with my hair?" Ms. Schnee inquired, noticing Pyrrha staring at the top of her head.

"Uhhhhh...no...it's just-"

"Just what?" Weiss interrupted.

"Just uhhhh...nevermind. Um, is there anything I can do for you?" Pyrrha quickly asked, changing the subject.

"Oh, I was just wondering if you would like, ya know, be on the same team as me?" the Valley Girl wondered. "I'll totally understand if you don't want to, I mean there must be a lot of people eager to join forces with such a strong, well known, read headed, sexy armor wearing individual such as yourself!"

"...Did you say, "Sexy armor wearing individual"?" the red head questioned.

Weiss' eyes went wide as her face turned redder than a tomato. "No, I-I totally meant, uh, a nice...smarty armor wearing individual like yourself!"

"That doesn't make sense" Pyrrah deadpanned. "But to answer your question about teaming up...sure! The person who I really wanted to team up with probably doesn't-"

"YES! This is totally perfect! The smartest girl in class (That's an over statement in this Fanfiction) combined with the strongest boy in class! Together we will be like, unstoppable! I can see it now! We'll be popular! We'll be celebrities! We'll get perfect grades! We'll totally be husband and wife! We'll have tons of babies! Nothing can come between us now!" Weiss shouted out loud.

"Uh...did you just call me a boy, say we'll get married, and have tons of babies!?" the armor wearing girl inquired in shock.

"Like, literally yes" the white haired girl confirmed with a happy grin.

"I'm a girl" Pyrrah flatly told Weiss.

"...Oh...like...uh...well...this is awkward" the rich girl replied, turning a deeper shade of red than before.

"Don't worry" SpongeBob started before he jumped down from out of nowhere. "I can help ease this awkward awkwardness"

Pyrrah's eyes went wide, like, really wide, like, wider than humanly possible in a non-comedic way as she realized who was standing before her. The sponge turned to face the red head to introduce himself, but before he could, Pyrrah let out the loudest fan girl scream in history. The scream kept going higher and higher and higher and HIGHER in pitch to the point where everybody in a 1 mile radius had to cover their ears so their eardrums wouldn't bleed. Even still, the shrill scream kept going higher in pitch, until it finally got to point where only animals could hear the eardrum explosive shriek.

 _"Was all that excessive, and over the top screaming necessary?"_

 **Yes. It's a natural reaction when a fangirl meets their idol.**

 _"But it's not humanly possible for anyone's scream to be that high pitch. Unless it's their Semblance"_

 **Didn't we have this conversation before? This is an Abridged CRACKFIC Parody, remember? Anything can happen without any rhyme or reason.**

 _"I know, but don't you think-"_

 **Don't make me have Cinder come back there.**

 _*Immediately stops talking*_

 **That's what I thought.**

SpongeBob uncovered his nonexistent ears and finally introduced himself. "Uh, hi. I'm SpongeBob Squarepants"

"I know who you are, and I can't believe that you're in my presence!" Pyrrah shouted to the Sponge.

"You do?"

"Uh, YEAH! You live in a pineapple under the sea, your best friend is Patrick Star. Your other friends include Squidward Tentacles, Sandy Cheeks, Mr. Krabs, Gary, Plankton, and Larry the Lobster!" the redhead listed.

"Uh...how do you-"

"I even have your intro song saved on my scroll, plus all your episodes! Which people say start going downhill after the first movie, specifically in season 4. But I really didn't see a difference in the episodes until season 5. Then they steadily got worse and worse, due to the creator, Stephen Hillenburg, leaving because he wanted the show to end after season 3, and didn't want it to "Jump the Shark". Ha! Get it?. But Nickelodeon saw how popular you got, and saw how much money they could gain by having your show still air on T.V. Combined with all sorts of merchandise of course.

"Uh-"

"But after the second movie released to theaters, the second half of season 9 started airing on T.V. Which had Stephen Hillenburg back as the executive producer! So now it's like a rebirth of SpongeBob!...Which is who you are"

"Um...does this mean you want to be on the same team?" the sponge asked, weirded out from Pyrrah's extensive knowledge of him.

"YES!" the redhead loudly answered.

"Okay great!" SpongeBob told her. "Hey what about you. Miss..."

"Schnee, Weiss Schnee. And no, I totally refuse to be on the same team with the likes of you, you...misshapen yellow cereal box" Weiss insulted with her arms crossed.

Pyrrah gasped, "Do you have any idea who this is!?" she questioned while pointing at SpongeBob.

"Uh...like, no" Ms. Schnee answered.

"He's SpogneBob Squarepants! Y'know, the cartoon character that's basically Nickelodeon's mascot?"

"What the hell is a Nickelodeon?" Weiss asked.

"What the!? Do you not watch T.V!? He's on the box of every Pumpkin Pete's Marshmallow Flakes Box! Only star athletes and famous cartoon characters get to be on there! Well...he was, until I...kinda sorta...replaced him"

"I have better things to do than to watch mindless garbage, and literally eat garbage which you claim as cereal" Elsa started before she did a 180 degree turn. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find a different team member. Ciao ciao all"

"Wait, there's a piece of paper on your head" SpongeBob pointed out.

Pyrrah let out a nervous "meep", after the sponge's observation.

"Hm?" Weiss mused, feeling the top of her head. She took the paper off, and looked at it, while a blush gradually began to grow on her cheeks. "What...what the fuck? WHAT IS THIS!?"

"I-it's f-fanart of me and Sp-SpongeBob" Ms. Nikos stuttered to answer with a fearful smile.

"You want that thing to put his yellow spongy mushroom in your-"

Before Weiss could finish her sentence, Pyrrah summoned...Miló Javelin...

 **Miló? What? Wh-why!? What even is that!?**

 _"Miló means "speak" in Greek"_

 **...Wait a second. I thought you didn't know any real world languages.**

 _"If the language isn't involved with RWBY, then I'm not involved with the language"_

 **Bruja.**

 _"What did you just say to me!?"_

 **Maybe if you didn't limit yourself to the languages used in RWBY, you would know what I said :)**

 _"Είσαι σπατάλη ανθρώπινης ζωής"_

 **What the hell was that?**

 _"Greek, a language used in RWBY. Mostly for Pyrrah's weapons"_

 **...I hate you.**

 _"Most of Remnant does. So get in line"_

Before Weiss could finish her sentence, Pyrrah summoned her Miló Javelin and threw it at the white haired girl.

"Wait a seco-" Miló cut Weiss off again by catching her on the ruffle collar of her dress.

"EEEEEEEKKKKKKKK!" Snow White shrieked as she went flying across the Locker Room.

Luckily for Pyrrah, Weiss accidentally let go of her "Non-NSFW" drawing of her and SpongBob. Which she quickly got back by running up to it, and grabbing before it fell to the ground.

"Um, I don't mean to pry, but what exactly is on that paper?" Mr. Squarepants asked the Greek weapon owning redhead.

Ms. Nikos responded to the question by shoving the paper in her mouth and saying, "Wha papah?"

"...Oooookaaaaaay" SpongeBob replied, a tad bit creeped out.

After the sponge's uncomfortable reply, Ms. Good Booty Witch made an announcement on the intercom system. "Would all first-year students please report to Beacon Cliff for initiation. Again, all first-year students report to Beacon Cliff immediately, or else" she said that last part with hint of seductiveness, an evil seductiveness.

Pyrrah somehow managed to swallow the entire paper whole. "Come on SpongeBob, let's go!" she said as she grabbed the yellow sponge's hand.

"I'm having second thought's about this" the Krusty Krab employee thought aloud.

"Nonsense. Who better to have as your partner than your biggest fan!" Ms. Nikos told SpongeBob as she walked over to where Weiss was stuck on the wall because of Miló. "Also, sorry not sorry" she told Weiss before grabbing Miló and sprinting off with SpongeBob, letting the Valley Girl fall to the floor.

"Ugh...I totally feel like throwing up right now" Weiss mumbled to herself.

"Good, I'll make sure to call you Puke Schnee all school year" Yang angrily growled, strolling up with Ruby and Blake.

"Don't you have an enemy to defeat thanks to your rage giving you a spontaneous power boost, Super Saiyan Goldilocks?" the snobby girl shot back.

"Do you want that enemy to be you?" Ms. Xiao Long countered with a furious glare.

"Hey hey hey guys, why don't we just get along? We all just got off on the wrong foot, like you said Yang" Ruby suggested, getting between the two girls.

Weiss quickly covered her private area after Ruby's suggestion, remembering how the young the girl kicked her there during orientation.

"Both of you need to totally get away from me! Especially you, Ru-bae! I have a restraining order!" Weiss snapped.

"Um, it's actually Ruby, not Ru-bae" Ruby corrected.

"Yeah, only I get to call her that because she's my bae...I mean, my baby sister!" Yang quickly corrected herself.

"Whatever, just get the hell away from me! And you, black haired girl!" Ms. Schnee shouted as she pointed towards Blake.

"My name is Blake, and want do you want? Meow meow" Blake asked.

"Help me up. You're the only here that I trust" Weiss said, holding her hand out.

"Sure. Meow meow" Blake responded, grabbing Weiss' hand and helping her up.

After Weiss got stood up, a small blush formed on her cheeks. "What's wrong? Meow meow" Blake questioned upon seeing the other girl's blush.

"Nothing, I just remembered that you grabbed by boobs in the ballroom last night" Weiss calmly said.

"Hm? I thought you would be more mad about that. Meow meow" the totally not furry pointed out.

Snow White's face got even redder before she ran off for Beacon Cliff.

"What got into her?" Ru-bae asked both girls.

"She totally has lady boner for you Blake" Yang teasingly said with a smile.

"Y-you really think so? Meow meow" Ms. Belladonna asked, her eyes visibly optimistic.

"...Wait a minute...do you...do have a crush on Weiss!?" Ruby loudly prompted.

"Well, I did say she makes by pussy cat purr last night so...yeah. Meow meow" Blake told both of them, slightly nervous.

"Awwwwww! That's so cute! It's just like me and Ruby, except we're sisters, so it makes our relationship wrong in this society" Yang accidentally admitted.

"Wha-...WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME!? MEOW MEOW!" Blake loudly asked.

Yang didn't say a word, instead she picked up Ruby bridal style, and ran away with her. Leaving a very confused Blake with wide white blank anime eyes.

* * *

 **Beacon Cliff**

Beacon Cliff, this one shot location is where Beacon students of all kind will begin their initiation as Huntsmen and Huntress'. From main characters, side character, and shadow people, everyone will have a chance at opposing Grimm, or should I say Salem.

 _"Wtf are you talking about?"_

 **Oh come on, everybody who watched Season 4 of Ruby saw Grimm coming out of pools of pure darkness near your castle.**

 _"Just because Grimm crawl out of "pools of pure darkness" near my castle, doesn't prove anything!"_

 **...Your right.**

 _"I am?"_

 **Yes, Grimm aren't just Grimm. Their something more, something more than mindless beasts that come from** **pools of pure darkness** **.**

 _"Oh God. What are you getting at now?"_

 **Grimm aren't just Grimm. Their also shadow humans. Y'know, the background characters who are even more mysterious than you.**

 _"That has to the stupidest thing I've ever-"_

"Hey, are you a Grimm?" Ruby asked a shadow student.

 _"Damn it! I forgot she could hear us!"_

"Are you asking me that because I happen to be all black like Grimm?" the shadow student asked back.

"Yes" Ruby answered.

"...If I slide you a 20 will you forget about this?" the shadow student inquired, holding out 20$ worth of lien.

"Nope" the black haired girl promptly answered.

"Well then..." the shadow trailed off before transforming into an Ursa Grimm, "ROOAAAAAAAAARRRR!"

Not wasting anytime, Ruby pulled out Crescent Rose and swung it across the beast's head. He then went flying and howling into Emerald Forest, "never" to be seen again.

"Yay, homerun!" Ruby yelled out, jumping up and down in joy (Even though baseball doesn't exist in RWBY).

"Ruby, can you please get back on your tile so I can properly launch you into Emerald Forest?" Ozpin commanded.

"Sorry sir!" Ms. Rose apologized before running back to her designated tile between Yang and SpongeBob.

"Okay everyone, I don't feel like talking too much today. I had to deal with a tiring errand yesterday" Ozpin admitted.

"Did it involve anything kinky?" a random shadow student nosely asked.

Oz took a sip of his hot chocolate and said "No". All the while Ms. Goodwitch stared at him with a devious smile.

"You will be tested on your abilities, and whoever you first make eye contact with will be your partner through ALL four years in Beacon. Then you will go to the northern end of the forest where you will find and abandoned temple with several emeralds. Each pair must must grab one and come back here" Ozpin announced to everyone. "Are there any questions?"

"Is there a restaurant that sells burgers with a secret formula in it's patties in Emerald Forest?" SpongeBob asked as Weiss got launched into the air.

"No" Ozpin answered.

"A Reef Blower?"

"Do you mean a leaf blower? And if so, no"

"A Treedome?"

"I don't know what that is, so no"

"A Bubblestand?"

"A stand that sells bubbles?"

SpongeBob shook his head yes.

"No"

"Ripped pants?"

"No...unless someone threw away an old pair of pants. Which is littering since Emerald Forest isn't a designated dumping site"

"Jellyfish?"

"We're nowhere near the sea"

"Plankton?" the Sponge asked as Yang got launched,

"Again, we're nowhere near the sea"

"Naughty nautical neighbors?" Mr. Squarepants asked when Ruby got launched.

"Well, that depends on if anybody lives in Emerald Forest, and which definition of naughty your using. But all of that is negated by the fact that nautical means of, or concerning sailors, or navigation in the SEA. Which for the third time. We. Are. Nowhere. Near it"

"What about a boat that acts like a CAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..." SpongeBob screamed as he got launched.

Oz merely stared at the strange, square creature as it flew away from him.

"Narrator, can you tell me who else your going to bring into this story? I wasn't prepared for someone so...annoying" Ozpin inquired,

 **I'm planning on bringing in Negima.**

 _"Negima? As in Negima Magister Negi Magi?"_

 **Yes.**

 _"Oh thank God! A sensible character that's known for having magical abilities. He should mix in well with RWBY"_

"Anybody else?" Oz pressed on.

 **Sonic the Hedgehog, Knuckles, and Rouge. But they're only small cameo appearances.**

 _"Good, cameo appearances don't affect a story that much"_

"I'm sensing one more character. Who is it?"

 **...Austin Powers.**

 _"Fuck this shit, I'm out"_

"At least he's funny in an adult comedy way. SpongeBob...I'm not sure what kind of comedy he is"

 **He's comedy for kids.**

 _"And brainless idiots"_

"He's not THAT bad, Salem. He could've been Fanboy & Chum Chum levels of annoying" Oz added.

 _"Good point"_

"Oz, who are you talking to?" Glynda questioned the mysterious head master.

The silver haired man turn to the blonde and said, "Glynda, there's something I've always wanted to tell you. Just to see how you would react"

"What?" the basic looking anime teacher asked.

"Go make me a sandwich"

* * *

 **The Skies Above Emerald Forest**

"Yeah, this is gonna be awesome! Right, Yang?" Ruby yelled to her older sister.

"You can bet Crescent Rose on that!" Yang agreed, until she noticed something flying towards them. "Uh, what the hell is that?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ozpin yelled, going past Ruby and Yang with his mug still in hand.

"Was that Ozpin?" Ruby wondered aloud.

 _"HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"_

 **I've never heard you laugh before, and I must say...it's sending chills down my spine.**

 _"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Th-That fucking moron! Y-you never tell a woman to do that and NOT expect a negative reaction! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

 **So are you just gonna keep laughing, or...**

 _"Mweeeeehee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!"_

 **Uh...**

 _"HOOOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

 **I'm just gonna go.**

 _"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*snort*snort*...I'm glad he didn't hear that"_

 **You snort just like Steve Urkel! HA HA!**

 _"Fuck you!"_

* * *

 **A/N: That does it for chapter 4, and I have no idea when I'll update this story again, so...bye for now :)**

 **Oh, and when Salem spoke in Greek, she said "You are a waste of human flesh". And when the author (Me) spoke in Spanish, he said "Witch". Then when SpongeBob was asking Ozpin all those questions, they related to the first four episodes of SpongeBob.**


	5. The First Launch, Part 2

Volume 1 (Technically Season 1), Chapter 5: The First Launch, Part 2

 **A/N: Alright, some people (Only two so far) have said this story's rating should be bumped up from T, to M. And I would change the rating, but I don't want to change it without involving you, the people. So I made a voting poll on my profile. If the majority vote for the rating to be change, I'll comply. Just a warning though, if this story's rating changes to M, there WILL be more sexual content in this story. Maybe even a "Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life" parody involving Salem and Cinder.**

 **Anyway, with that over with, let's move on to chapter 5.**

* * *

 **Cha-cha-cha-cha-chapter 5!**

 _"I'm getting sick of this"_

 **I'm not.**

 _"Ugh, do you have an ending for this story in mind?"_

 **Yes, I have my own original version of Season 4 in mind. Which will serve as the finale to all this craziness.**

 _"At least it's an ending. And after that, you'll be gone, and EVERYTHING will go back to normal!_

 **Hee hee...I wouldn't say normal.**

 _"...Why did you laugh like a villain?"_

 **You'll see once this story finally wraps up ;)**

 _"Oz, I'm actually scared right now! DO SOMETHING!"_

"Salem, I am currently flying through the air over Emerald Forest" Oz told the witch.

 _"SO!? You're powerful enough to make a soft land-"_

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Owww...OUCH!" Ozpin mutter and shouted in pain after falling through branches and hitting the ground.

 _"Good, you're on the ground. NOW FUCKING DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS AUTHOR!_

"Nah, I'm kinda hurting after that fall. I think I'll just lay here for a while" Oz Woz announced to Salem, laying on his back.

 _"You inconsiderate BASTARD! Neither of us have any idea what this author has planned for RWBY!"_

"So? Everything will go back to normal. Just like always after a Fanfiction is over"

 _"This crazed human basically just said that things won't go back to normal after this story's over! We need to combine our powers, and get rid of him, NOW!"_

"Oh please. Do you honestly think this author has the power, and the copyright ownership, to make everything that's happened, and will happen, canon?" Oz questioned.

 _"...No"_

"Well then, stop worrying" Oz stated, taking a sip of his hot cocoa that he somehow still had. "Everything will be fine"

 _"Ugh, fine. But if some messed up shit happens, don't say I didn't try to prevent it"_

 **Ha. Yes, all will be fine Salem Dalem.**

 _"Shut the fuck up and finish this story._

 **Whatever you say, madame crabby.**

* * *

 **The Skies Above Emerald Forest**

In the skies above Emerald Forest, a single crow flapped it's wings in the air, flying free. Free from being attached to the ground, free from human responsibilities, free from knowing what it feels like to think like a human, to have fun, and do more with it's life. Instead, a crow lives it's life on the edge of death, knowing that it could die at any moment due to a predator, a freak accident, or natural causes. Yes, the life of a crow has pros and cons when compared to human life. Although, humans in the RWBY universe have to deal with Grimm, magical enemies, and a straight up demon witch.

 _"Demons and witches are two totally different things; I'm not both"_

 **Fine, a regular witch.**

 _"Good"_

Even with all this said, the crow currently flying over Emerald Forest wasn't a crow. Instead, this crow was Qrow, Ruby and Yang's uncle. Who was taking a nice stroll, er, flight, above Emerald Forest.

"Ah, it feels good to fly around as an actual crow" Qrow thought to himself. "A nice view, fresh air, Beacon Academy students falling towards me...wait a second"

Qrow had to take evasive maneuvers. First he dodged a group of shadow students (Who don't appear anywhere else in the next few chapters. Except for Blake, who is apparently one of them in the actual episode "The First Step Part 1". And the reason I know this is because a Rooster Teeth worker "claims" that one of the shadows is Blake. Even though none of the shadow students look like her, or at LEAST have a bow. They couldn't admit that they forgot to add Blake in the background since she wasn't in the script for that episode). Second, a stuck up looking white haired gir-

"Oh wait, that's Winter's bitchy little sister" Qrow mused to himself.

Third, a red haired girl wearing golden armor. Forth, some dude with a shaven head topped with whipped cream (Seriously, Russel Thrush's hair looks like whipped cream from a distance. Watch "The First Step Part 1" when everybody's about to get launched). Fifth, an orange haired girl that was laughing like a crazed mental patient. Sixth, an edgy looking Asian teen.

"Wait a second, what the fuck is an Asian?" the uncle asked himself.

Seventh, a dark orange haired looking douchebag. Eighth, a large breasted blonde gir-

"Hold on, I recognize those breasts anywhere. Is that, Yang!?" the Crow man shouted in his mind. He quickly dodged to right, and turned around to see Yang use her Ember Celica-

 **I'm getting tired of all these weapon names. Salem, explain what Ember Celica means.**

 _"The word "ember" represents a dying or small fire, whereas "celica", derives from the Latin word coelica, meaning "heavenly" or "celestial""_

 **I get the ember part, but there's nothing heavenly about a Yang's gauntlets.**

 _"Really now? Well, can YOU explain why Yang's weapon choice isn't heavenly?"_

 **All Yang can do with those is punch, shoot, and cause explosions. Something "heavenly" should have more class, be more...fancy. Or at least be more powerful than that.**

 _"Mmmmmm-hmmmmm, can you provide an example of a gauntlet matching your list of capabilities?"_

 **The Infinity Gauntlet from Marvel Comics, with all the Infinity Gems. With that kind of power in hand, someone could reshape the whole universe, or should I say the heavens, as they see fit. THAT, is a heavenly gauntlet.**

 _"...I hate it when your right"_

 **You better.**

 **-** turned around to see Yang use her Ember Celica to propel herself further across the top of Emerald Forest.

"Oh yeah, Ruby and Yang started their first day at Beacon yesterday" Crow Qrow thought to himself. "I wonder if Ruby is- SCREEEEECH!"

"Birdie no!" Ruby yelled after hitting Qrow.

Both family members went falling down onto the forest floor, with Ruby landing on top of Qrow.

"Owwwwww..." the protagonist moaned before standing up. She stood while looking around, and saw the "crow" sprawled on the ground, twitching. "Oh no! I hurt a sweet innocent bird!"

The young girl let out a sniffle, "Don't worry birdie", Ruby said, raising Crescent Rose in the air, aiming it at Qrow. "I'll put you out of your misery"

"OH SHIT!" Qrow cursed in his mind. Which came out as "CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW!"

The alcoholic managed to get up, and make a bee line away from Ruby just before Crescent Rose came down.

"Oh, I guess it wasn't half dead after all" the black haired girl figured, watching Qrow fly away. "Wait a second! I gotta find Yang!"

With the goal of finding her sister in mind, Ruby made a mad dash through the forest. "This is bad, this is really bad! I don't want Yang to get a partner who isn't me and get shipped with them! But what about me!? I don't wanna get shipped with any else besides Yang either!" Ruby thought with nervousness. "What if I get shipped with SpongeBob? Nah, I'm pretty sure Pyrrah wants to be shipped with him. Maybe I could be shipped with Blake? NO! Weiss has a crush on her, and Blake has a crush on Weiss! I can't ruin a blossoming relationshi- OH NO!"

Ruby skidded to halt, stopping a few feet away from Weiss. The Ice Princess looked up at the incestual girl. They locked eyes for a few seconds, before Weiss yelled out, "NO!"

"No is right!" Ruby Rose loudly agreed. "I wanted to be with Yang"

"And I wanted to be with Blake" Weiss revealed, crossing her arms with a blush.

Ruby let a slightly shocked expression fill her face, but returned to a calm demeanor. "Look, you don't want to get shipped with me, do you?"

"Like, I literally just said I wanted to be with Blake"

"Right, and I wanted to be with Yang. But unfortunately, by the rules of Headmaster Ozpin, we saw each other before seeing anyone else, so..." Ruby trailed off, giving Weiss a look that basically said sorry...with a smile of course.

Snow White narrowed her eyes, "Like, hell no. Plus, I have a restraining order. With YOUR name on it"

After Elsa's reply, she stomped away from Ruby. Leaving the girl a bit heartbroken...a friendship type of heartbroken, totally not a romantic type of heartbroken, ha ha... **POLLINATION CONFIRMED!**

 _"Oh God. Not Pollination"_

"What's Pollination?" Ruby asked.

 **It's where EVERYBODY gets shipped with each other.**

"Does this mean I can get shipped with Yang!?" the darkly dressed girl continued to ask.

 _"And everybody in Remnant"_

 **Not everybody in Remnant. Just team RWBY.**

"What's team RWBY? *Gasp* Is that my future team!?"

 **Yes, your team will consist of you, Weiss, Blake, and Yang.**

"YAY! By being shipped with those three...I can shove Crescent Rose in each and everyone of them!" Ruby said that last part like some sort of demonic creature.

 _"Good God, you've created a monster. A crazed, weapon fetish loving monster"_

 **Yeah, yeah. Anyway, Weiss is coming back.**

"Huh?" Ruby got out of her craze daze and saw Weiss walking back towards her. "What happened? Did the voices in your head tell you that we're going to be on the same team too?"

"What!? No! I saw that SquareBob Spongepants guy hanging from a tree and DID NOT want to be HIS partner! Plus, he was going on about the forest reminding him of a song called the "Campfire Song Song"" Weiss explained to Ruby.

"Does this mean we're-"

Weiss interrupted Ruby by walking past her and grabbing her by the back of her red hood, dragging the black haired girl along. "If I'm going to be shipped with you, know this. I do NOT do anal"

"Can I eat your ass instead?" Red Riding Hood questioned.

"Ugh, you're literally a bigger freak than I thought" Weiss said with disgust in her voice.

* * *

 **SpongeBob**

"Ah, isn't the view just wonderful? Trees and mountains that look like paintings in the background. Birds flying in the air, a clear blue sky, and a blonde haired girl using bursts of fire to jump across the top of the forest. Yep, just beautiful" the Sponge said to himself while sitting atop a high branch.

"SpongeBob! Hey, SpongeBob!" Pyrrah shouted up to him.

"Hm? Oh, hey Pyrrah" the Sponge shouted back down at her.

"I uh...overheard you telling Weiss the forest reminded you of the "Campfire Song Song"" the redhead told SpongeBob.

"Yep" Mr. Squarepants confirmed before jumping all the way down to the ground (Without taking any damage since he's a cartoon character. Or at least more cartoony than RWBY characters).

"Are you...in the mood to sing it?" Pyrrah inquired, slightly shy.

SpongeBob instantly pulled a ukulele out of nowhere, "I'm always in the mood to sing!"

"Yay!" Ms. Nikos exclaimed, jumping for joy.

"Alright, I'll start us off. Ahem" the Sponge began. "Let's gather 'round the campfire, and sing our "Campfire Song". The C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G Song. And if you don't think that we can sing it faster then you're wrong. But it'll help if you just sing along!"

"Bum, bum, bum..." Pyrrah trailed off, mimicking Patrick in the actual SpongeBob episode called "The Camping Episode".

"C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G Song, C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G Song! And if you don't think that we can sing it faster then you're wrong! But it'll help if you just sing along!" SpongeBob sung faster while Pyrrah sung along with him. "C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G Song, Pyrrah!"

"The C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G Song!" the fangirl quickly sang in her solo.

"Salem!" the pineapple dweller shouted.

 _"What!?"_

"Good!" after that, a stage appeared out of nowhere, with Pyrrah playing drums, SpongeBob still playing his ukulele, and fireworks going off in the background.

"It'll hellllllllp, it'll hellllllllp! If you just sing alooooooong!" the square creature finished, jumping off stage and repeatedly slamming his instrument on the ground until it was destroyed. Then Pyrrah ran up behind SpongeBob, and threw her drum on him. "OH YYYYYEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" the Sponge screamed, popping out of the drum like a Chestburster from the Alien franchise.

 _"What. The hell. Did I just witness?"_

 **The Campfire Song Song.**

 _"I know, but what the hell was all that extra equipment for?"_

 **What equipment?**

 _The stage, drums, and fireworks! And why did the song keep getting faster, and faster? How is the forest not on fire after those fireworks going off? Why did SpongeBob slam his ukulala on the-"_

 **It's ukulele. Not ukulala.**

 _"WHATEVER! Just get me away from this nonsensical sponge!"_

 **...Okay.**

* * *

 **Back with Ruby and Weiss**

 _"You...actually listened to me"_

 **Only because I needed a way to transition from SpongeBob and Pyrrah, to** **Ruby and Weiss.**

 _"Oh, I should've know you didn't care about what I think"_

 **You make me sound like a bad person.**

 _"You are!"_

 **But you're trying to kill all the humans in Remnant! I'm not trying to do that!**

 _"I get the strange feeling that you are, and then some"_

"Hey, can you two stop talking? Weiss is about to tell me something" Ruby politely asked.

"Are you talking to the voices in your head?" Weiss questioned, walking next to the protagonist.

"Yes" Ms. Rose answered.

"Ugh, you're totally fucking crazy" the Valley girl muttered. "Why do I have to be shipped with a crazy girl?"

"Okay, do you know anybody named Salem?" Ruby asked the white haired.

"I know my man servants talk about her "Legendary Dick" sometimes, but that's about it" Weiss admitted.

"Well, she's one of the voices in my head. I think she's linked to me for some reason" Ruby revealed.

"Ru-bae! There is no such thing as Salem, she's just a figment of your psychotic tiny mind!" Weiss loudly told the black haired girl.

"Okay, maybe she isn't. But what about the Fanfiction writer in my mind. He's writing the story as it goes along!"

"Really? Okay, why don't you make him make me trip and fall" Weiss joked.

"Hey, Fanfiction author! Can you make-"

 **On it.**

Weiss tripped, and fell.

"Ow! Like, what the heck just happened!? There wasn't anything in front of me!" Weiss angrily shouted.

"It was the Fanfiction writer!" Ruby stated, squatting down to Weiss' level.

"No it wasn't. Me tripping was just a coincidence!" Snow White argued, standing up as Ruby stood up as well.

 **Are you sure, little Ms. Valley girl?**

"...Who said that?" Weiss questioned, looking around.

 _"Oh, great. Now Weiss can hear us"_

"Is that...Salem!?" Elsa shouted.

 **And me. The Fanfiction writer.**

"...You totally cursed me!" the white haired girl blamed, pointing at Ruby.

"N-no I didn't" Ruby Rube defended.

 **Well, if it wasn't for you trying to prove my existence, then Weiss wouldn't be hearing me right now.**

 _"Nor me"_

"Grrrrrrrrr...that's it! Fanfiction writer! Make Ru-bae go away!" Weiss demanded.

 **Alright.**

Soon after Ghost White's demand, both girls heard rustling coming from the bushes.

"Ha! A Grimm! That'll get rid of-"

A blue blur jumped out of the bushes, interrupting Weiss, and said, "Hi! I'm Sonic! Sonic the Hedgehog!"

 _"What!? How is this blue humanoid pin cushion supposed to-"_

"Hey, Ruby! I hear you have speed Semblance! Wanna race?" the hedgehog asked.

"Sure" Ruby replied with smile.

In the blink of an eye, both Ruby and Sonic dashed out of sight. With Ruby leaving behind a trail of rose petals, while Sonic left a blue blur.

"Where do those petals come from?" Weiss inquired to herself, waving them away. "Bah, whatever. At least Ru-bae is gone. Thanks Fanfiction writer!"

 **I wouldn't be thanking me just yet. According to the canon in "The First Step Part 2", you get attacked by a Beowolf.**

"WHAT!?"

"RRROOOOAAAARRRRR!" a Beowolf roared, lunging at Weiss from a bush.

 **Oh no! What a cliff hanger! I hope Weiss doesn't die!**

 _"The sarcasm is literally dripping in your sentence"_

 **But seriously though. Did the writers really think the audience would think Weiss would die this early in the series? Especially when she had her own trailer before RWBY aired. Well, RWBY isn't a T.V series, so the show didn't exactly air. It was posted on Rooster Teeth's website and YouTube.**

 _"Uh-huh. Can you just end this chapter already?"_

 **I'll end this chapter when I feel like it.**

 _"..."_

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 **...Okay, I'll end it. The End.**

 _"At last. Good day to you, malicious sir"_

 **...**

 **...She's gone. Do you know what that means dear readers? I can finally put my true plan into action!**

* * *

 **Juane**

Far, far away, on an island in the middle of the ocean lied Swallow Falls (From Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs). On said island lived Juane Arc. A handsome, slightly basic looking blonde haired anime character (3-D anime if you want to be technical). This character who gained popularity in RWBY fanfiction as an OP character was working in his father's sardine store (Appropriately named Tim's & Son's Sardine bait and Tackle (Also, Tim Lockwood is Juane's father. The blonde changed his name to sound cool)).

Currently, the young man was stacking Sardine cans on a shelf. Not knowing of his destined fate.

 **Hey, Juane. Can you hear me?**

"Huh? Who said that" Juane asked, looking around the store.

 **I'm uh...a God. Talking to you, through your mind, with my godly powers.**

"Oh yeah? What would a God want with a simple chump like me?" Juane pressed, stacking more cans.

 **What if I told you that you can become the most powerful person in the world?**

Mr. Arc stopped stacking. "I'm listening"

 **Okay, to become the most powerful person in the world, we'll have to start small. So, I'll unlock your hidden abilities.**

"Unlock my hidden abilities? I don't have-"

Juane suddenly felt a wave of energy flow through his body. Stretching out to the tips of his fingers and toes.

"Whoa! Is this...is this my hidden power?" the young man questioned. Clenching, and unclenching his hands.

 **Yes, now crush a sardine can.**

Juane Arc did what he was told, and crushed a sardine can with his bare hand. Letting the disgusting fish smelling juice flow out, and down his arm.

"Wow, y-you actually gave me powers!" Juane remarked, shaking off the juice.

 **Good, but I must leave you until you learn how to control your power. I will return once you've gained more control, and teach you how to become even stronger.**

"Of course, but...why me? I mean, I'm just a nobody" the blonde questioned.

 **You know the cliche in anime where a weak person is secretly the strongest person in the world? Or becomes the strongest person in the world due to bullshit reasoning? That's you.**

"Oh, well, cliches aside, thanks for unlocking my hidden abilities" Juane thanked. "I'll make sure to master them to learn more from you"

 **Excellent, until next time, Mr. Arc.**

* * *

 **Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! My perfect plan started off without a hitch! Now all I have to do is wait until Juane gains control of his abilities, and return to teach him how to become, "The Ultimate Superior Legendary OP Mega Supreme Super S** **aiyan God"! MWAHAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHAHAHAHA** **HAHA** **-**

 _"Why the hell are you laughing!? You ended this chapter, remember!"_

 **O-oh yeah, right. The End!**

* * *

 **A/N: Uh-oh, what could the author have planned for Juane!? What will happen to the world once he reaches** **"The Ultimate Superior Legendary OP Mega Supreme Super S** **aiyan God" state!? Stayed tuned fellow readers, because it only gets crazier from here.**

 **Make sure to Favorite, Follow, and leave a review/comment. It lets's me know you're enjoying the story.**


	6. The Master Emerald Forest, Part 1

Volume 1 (Technically Season 1), Chapter 6: The Master Emerald Forest, Part 1

 **A/N: Yeesh, it's almost been a whole month since I updated this story. I probably would've had this chapter up sooner, but I was working on this video called 'RWBY With SpongeBob Music'. It's not as ridiculous as it sounds, most of the music actually matches up with the scenes I picked out. Matter of fact, I made three other videos just like it. The last two were originally one whole video, but it got blocked by Rooster Teeth. So I split it into two parts thinking the overall length of the video was the problem. It wasn't, so I sent them an email asking why my last two videos were blocked, when my first two weren't. They didn't reply, they just unblocked both videos without a response. So I guess that was that. Anyway, here's chapter 6, rated M I might add.**

* * *

 **Ah, here we are in chapter 6, Salem.**

 _"..."_

 **Salem?**

 _"Go away. I feel like a lead block"_

 **A lead block?**

 _"Yes, I don't feel like getting out of my bed and doing anything. I don't even feel like killing every single human anymore. That includes trying to narrate this horrible story"_

 **...That sounds like depression.**

 _"Oh, great. Your horrid story gave me depression"_

 **Yikes, so I guess you won't like the fact this story is rated M now?**

 _"What the fuck does that mean?"_

 **It means I can go into exquisite detail about sex scenes, murders, and all that adult stuff.**

 _"...I think...I think I'm actually going to cry"_

 **Huh!? Why!?**

 _"You've already exposed me to so much inexplicable, random, and weird scenarios. Now you're telling me that it's only going to worse from here on out! This whole...thing, is torture for me!"_

"Says you. I'm actually enjoying this" Ozpin commented, standing on Beacon Cliff.

 _"What the-? How did you get back there!?"_

"Aren't you forgetting that I'm a narrator too? I can be wherever I want" Ozpin answered, sipping a bit of his hot chocolate.

 _"...Fuck this. I'm gonna cry in my pillow"_

 **If it makes you feel any better, I've decided to add the Flash instead of Austin Powers.**

 _"Nope, the damage has been done. Let me waste away in my bed in peace._

 **...Okay. On with the story!**

 _*Sigh*_

* * *

 **In the Suddenly Misty Forest of Emerald Forest**

Yang, the blonde bimbo of RWBY...well, the large breasted blonde. Since blonde bimbos are empty headed, and Yang isn't...or at least good at hiding it. Anyway, Yang found herself walking through the misty Emerald Forest, which wasn't misty in the last chapter, and decided to be misty for no reason other than a false sense of suspense.

"Hellllooooooooo? Is anybody out there? Hopefully my little sister Ruby?" Yang yelled out with optimism, not noticing a shadow (Blake) run past her in the treeline.

Yang kept walking for awhile before she got tired of all her aimless wandering. "Yo! Where the fuck are my peeps at!?"

*RUSTLE*

The blonde bombshell turned her head to the rustling bushes. "Hey, is somebody over there?"

*RUSTLE*

"...I'm not coming over to check a rustling bush that's in a forest full of Grimm" Yang deadpanned, crossing her arms.

Suddenly, an Ursa popped up saying, "Wow, I can't believe someone in this world has the common sense to NOT check a rustling bush in a world full of monsters"

"Thanks" Yang thanked before she uncrossed her arms and activated Ember Celica. "Now die"

"Meh, I don't feel like fighting. I just got knocked here by a girl with a scythe (Near the end of Chapter 4)" the Ursa tiredly growled.

"Oh"

"But you can fight one of my MANY look alike brothers who's right behind you" the Ursa suggested.

Yang turned around just time to see another Ursa swipe a her. Luckily for Yang, the Ursa missed. Unluckily (For everyone in the area), the Ursa managed to swipe off a microscopic speck of Yang's hair.

Her eyes went wide as time seemed to slow down. Yang focused on the microscopic speck of hair that floated down...and down...and down...and down...and down...and down...and down...and dow-

 _"Okay, we get it. Objects that barely weigh anything take a long time to float down"_

 **I thought you were too depressed to narrate.**

 _"Do you hear my voice?"_

 **Yes, it sounds like you're sick of my shit...more than usual anyway. But in an obviously depressed and tired tone.**

 _"Correct, and I'll still narrate. It'll just be more...depressing"_

 **...Okay, even though you're killing my vibe a bit.**

 _"Good"_

Alright, so basically Yang stared at her super tiny speck of hair for a long time until the second Ursa decided to say something. "Um, ma'am. You've been staring at that one spot for quite a while now. Are you in some sort of weird trace?"

Yang lowered her head to where her hair cast a shadow over her eyes. "Y-yes...I guess you could say that, heh heh"

The way Yang responded made it sound like she had lost her mind.

"Ummmm...yo, bro. I'm getting creeped the fuck out over here" the second Ursa told the first Ursa, still in the bushes.

"Don't worry. She's probably mentally preparing her to fig-"

"YOU ABSOLUTE COCK SUCKING PIECE OF ROTTON SHIT! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE!?" Ms. Xiao Long screamed at the top of her lungs, interrupting the first Ursa.

"Wh-what? What did I d-d-do?" the second Ursa stuttered in fear of Yang's sudden change in tone.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS!? YOU! CUT OFF! A PIECE! OF! MY! HAIR!" Yang blamed, pointing at the ground.

"What!? There's nothing there! I missed you when I tried to attack" the second Ursa claimed.

The blonde gave the second Ursa a Luigi Death Stare. Soon after, the ground started rumbling as Yang clenched her fists, with her hair beginning to glow.

"OH SHIT! SHE'S GOING SUPER SAIYAN!" the second Ursa shouted. "Bro, what do we do!?...bro?"

The second Ursa looked at the bushes, only to see that the first Ursa had noped the fuck outta there.

"That motherfurk-" the second Ursa choked out as Yang rushed up to him and grabbed him by his throat.

The daughter of Taiyang Xiao Long, and Raven Branwen, lowered the beast to her eye level. The teenage girl's eyes were completely white, with her hair glowing golden yellow, and a twitching toothy smile plastered on her lips.

"Do you know what I'm gonna do to you?" Yang asked in an unsettling whisper.

"Urklegrablekrshhhh" the Ursa forced out painfully.

"Right answer" Yang said.

The Ursa thought to itself, "What the fuck is she talking abou-"

*SNAP!*

Yang had completely torn off the Ursa's jaw with her free hand, and dropped the bear like Grimm to the ground. Watching it wiggle, and squirm in pain before it turned to black dust in the wind.

 _"Damn, that was brutal"_

 **Well, the story is rated M after all. But tearing the jaw off of something that doesn't bleed isn't all that mature...**

 _"I don't like where this going"_

"ALRIGHT! WHO THE FUCK IS NEXT!?" Yang yelled out to the forest.

*RUSTLE*

The large breasted girl quickly looked at a different group of bushes. "Get your sorry ass out here, NOW!"

After Yang's demand, Blake emerged from the bushes with a frighted look on her face.

"Um...hello. Meow meow" Blake greeted meekly.

Yang instantly depowered upon seeing the not faunus. "Oh...it's you Blake"

"Yes, and do you know what this means? Meow meow" Blake questioned, slightly blushing.

"That we're on the same team" Yang proudly said, giving Blake a thumbs up.

"Yes, but we're also going to be shipped together. Meow meow" the bow headed girl added, blushing even more.

"...No...no...NNNOOOOOOOOOO!" Yang shouted in defeat, falling to her knees. "Damn it! I wanted to be shipped with Ruby! No one can sexually please her like I do!"

"WHAT! Meow meow!?" Blake screamed in shock.

Yang speedily stood up and grabbed Blake by her shoulders. "Yes! I fuck my little sister, OKAY! We have hot steamy sex with each other. We even have threesomes with Crescent Rose sometimes too! Are you happy now, Blake? You know that Ruby and I are incestual! So when day comes for us to have sex since we're shipped with each other, know this. You'll be eating out, and/or scissoring the same vagina my little sister used to eat out and scissor!"

Blake's brain couldn't comprehend what was just revealed to her. So she did what anybody would do in a situation like this. Pass out from the shock of it all, straight into Yang's boobs.

"...Well...this got awkward" the blonde said to herself, looking down at the Cat Furry nestled between her breasts.

Blake then starting purring in Yang's breasts. Making the gauntlet wearing girls's nipples harden.

"Oh yes~" Yang moaned sexually.

 _"Oh God"_

 **Oh me. Oh moo. Oh my**

"Ooh na na. What's my name?" Ozpin interjected, referencing Rihanna's song titled 'What's My Name?'.

 _"Both of you shut up"_

* * *

 **Ruby and Weiss**

"Alright Weiss, remember your training" Ms. Schnee told herself as she wielded...Myrtenaster...

 **What the hell!? It's just a damn sword! A Rapier to be exact. Why does it need a fancy name!?**

 _"To match the RWBY Color Rule"_

 **So what does-**

 _"Myrtenaster (Myrten Aster) is German for a family of flowers (Myrtle) that are typically found to be white, but can come in a variety of other colors"_

 **The flowers may be typically white, but they also come in different colors. So since Weiss' color is white, it doesn't make sense to choose a weapon name that represents many different colors.**

 _"There are also different colors of Dust vials in_ _Myrtenaster. So it DOES make sense to have a weapon name that represents many colors"_

 **I, uh...uh...have...no comeback.**

 _"Ha ha! Yes! I win! I'm feeling less depressed already!_

"Ugh, like, can you two shut up? I'm trying to focus!" Weiss snapped, currently surrounded by a group of Beowolves.

The Ice Princess stood at the ready with her sword drawn. "Okay, head up, shoulders back, right foot forward-"

 **Wait a minute, you just moved your left foot.**

"I totally meant right foot, as in the correct foot" Weiss explained, getting agitated.

 **Wait, what?**

 _"Are you serious? The definition of right she's using is a_ _synonym of correct"_ (Totally not based on an argument I saw online)

 **...Sounds like bullshit to me, but I'll accept it.**

With Weiss' posture and stance to her liking, she dashed forward to the Beowolf in front of her. But Little Miss Red Riding Ruby got to the Beowolf first, and caused Weiss to fire her fire attack at a poor woodland tree. Said tree's leaves vanished into thin air, they weren't burned, or turned to ash. They just 'poofed', disappeared, like a bubble being popped.

"Hey, you attacked out of turn Ru-bae! I totally could've killed you! And like, what the hell happened to that race with Sonic?" Ms. Schnee angrily pointed out.

Ruby turned to the white haired girl. "Okay, first of all, we aren't playing an RPG. Second, you're gonna have to try a LOT harder than that to kill me. Third, that guy was way past cool- I mean, way too fast for me"

"Wha- try a lot harder to kill you!?" Elsa questioned with angry white anime eyes.

"Uh, yeah. You'd never stand a chance against me" Ruby shot back.

"Oh ho. Oh ho ho. Oh ho ho ho no you don't bitch. I'm not letting you get away with that" Weiss stated, getting in Ruby's face.

"What chu finna do you prissy bitch?" Ms. Rose tauntingly questioned.

"I gonna beat you until your whole outfit is red" the white haired girl threatened.

"Oh yeah? Well I'm gonna take your Myrtenaster, and my Crescent Rose, and use them to violate BOTH your holes" Ruby sexually and violently threatened.

The Beowolves who surrounded both girls began to look at each other in confusement. One of them daringly decided to speak up, and asked, "Um, ladies. Aren't you gonna fight us?"

"FUCK OFF!" both Ruby and Weiss screamed to all of them.

"Damn, all you had to say was no" the same Beowolf replied as the pack left the two girls.

With the Beowolves gone, it was just Ruby, and Weiss in the clearing. With their faces mere inches from each other. The longer they stared into each others eyes, the more they felt something deep within start to take over. Not something violent, but something...romantic. Pretty soon neither of them could contain it anymore. Their lips quickly crashed into each others, with each girl slowly caressing the back of the other girl's head.

 _"Oh great. You've gone into_ _cliché romantic fanfiction territory"_

 **I think you mean a cliché romantic fanfiction that's rated M.**

 _"What are you-"_

"Oh fuck yes Ru-bae!" Weiss screamed out in sexual pleasure as Ruby ate out her ass.

 _"WHAT THE- *burp*...I think I'm gonna throw up"_

 **Go ahead, this story is rated M now. You can throw up as much as you want.**

 _"You- *burp* disgusting human. You do know what comes from the asses of- *burp* most organisms?"_

 **Yes.**

 _"Oh god...*burp*. It's coming up!"_

* * *

 **Salem's Bedroom**

Salem's bedroom was stylized with Gothic furniture. Her bed (Which she quickly ran away from to vomit) had black sheets, and blankets with white pillows. Even her bed overhang had black drapes, er, draped, across it. Salem was running to the bedroom's balcony. She hurried to push open the thin purple stained double glass doors that lead to the balcony, ran to the edge, and blew chunks. Well...not chunks. More like black slime or goo. This only lasted for a total of three seconds before the black stream stopped flowing from her mouth.

"Ugh...fuck...*burp*"

 **What the hell was that black nastiness that left your mouth?**

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Salem countered, avoiding the question. She wiped the black substance from her mouth and chin before saying, "The fact that you made _me_ of all people vomit is an amazing feat. Congratulations"

 **Thank you.**

"I didn't mean that in a good way" the witch added, walking back inside her room, and gently laying back in her bed facing up.

 **Um, are you alright. You seem kinda...off.**

"I'm fine. Just finish this festering shit pile of a chapter" Salem ordered, placing both hands on her still churning stomach.

 **...Alright.**

* * *

 **SpongeBob and Pyrrah**

These two happy-go-lucky partners were exploring Emerald Forest, trying to find an emerald. While singing one of SpongeBob's most famous songs.

"Oh, I'm a goofy goober, yeah!" Pyrrah started to sing.

"You're a goofy goober, yeah!" SpongeBob continued while pointing at her with a smile.

"We're all goofy goobers, yeah! Goofy, goofy, goober, goober, YEAH!" both of them finished singing.

The armor wearing girl let out a happy chuckle. "I'm glad I get to sing these songs with you"

"Yeah, singing by myself, or with Patrick all the time gets boring. It's nice to have someone new to sing with" the sponge thanked.

"Oh, you~" Pyrrah replied with a blush.

"Anyways, whats this Aura stuff I keep hearing everyone talk about? It sounds important" SpongeBob asked.

Pyrrah stopped in her tracks, and slapped herself on the forehead. Making the sea dweller to turn around to face her. "What's wrong, Pyrrah?"

"How could I be so stupid!? Our world is basically an anime, and most anime characters have ki, aura, or chakra. But you're from a cartoon, and most cartoon characters _don't_ have any of that" the read headed warrior explained to him.

"Uhhhh...what?"

"You don't have an aura SpongeBob" Pyrrah flat out told the Bikini Bottom citizen.

"So...what does that mean?" SpongeBob questioned a tad bit worried.

"It means you have a very, VERY, high chance of dying!" Ms. Nikos informed him.

"OOOOOOOHHH NOOOOOOOOOO!" SpongeBob screamed out in fear of losing his life.

"But, you've gotten yourself into many different deadly, and violent situations and came out unscathed before. So I wouldn't worry too much" Pyrrah added.

"OOOOOOOHHH NOO- wait, that's actually good news" Mr. Squarepants realized.

"Yeah, you can get chopped in half, sliced into pieces, have your brain taken out, your limbs torn off, get stretched out, flattened into a pancake, fall from a high place and get splattered on the ground only to reform back into your normal form, and even be liquefied" Pyrrah listed off.

"Wow, I sound invincible" SpongeBob said with pride.

Suddenly, a large gust of wind came from the western part of Emerald Forest.

"Hm? What in the world was that?" the red headed girl asked herself, looking at the western side of the forest.

"I'm coming Ren!" Nora shouted as she ran past the two. (Ren was enacting the plan Nora came up with in chapter 4)

 **Done!**

 _"Ugh...I still feel sick"_

 **Don't you have any medicine for your tummy troubles? Or maybe a magic spell? You know, because you're a witch.**

 _"Just...just go away._

 **Meh, whatever. I got other stuff to do. Buh-bye!**

 _"...*sniffle*"_

"Oh, come on Salem. Don't tell me you're actually going to cry"

* * *

 **Salem's Bedroom**

The pale witch lay on her bed, looking up at the underside of her bed overhang.

"I might, Ozpin" Salem answered the silvered haired man.

"Alright, I think it's time" Oz started before he popped up in Salem's bedroom. "That we have a real conversation about this"

"Oh, why not? We were stuck in limbo for almost one month between chapters 5 and 6. There's plenty of time to waste" Salem begrudgingly agreed.

"You say waste, I say use wisely" Ozpin commented, walking closer.

"*sigh*" Salem got out of her bed, standing face to face with the headmaster of Beacon. "How do you want to start this little, chat?"

"Tell me Salem, how do we know each other?" Oz questioned.

"Hell if I know. It hasn't been revealed yet. All I know, is that I hate you, and want to cause mass genocide. Plus, what does that have to do with anything?"

"What I'm trying to say is, that something as important as our past connection will be revealed over time. Just like how this story will be done over time" the hot chocolate drinker responded.

"And...?" Salem inquired, moving her hand in a motion that told Ozpin to hurry along.

"RWBY fans are having fun trying to figure out what our past connection is. So why don't you try to have fun doing what you can't do in RWBY's canon?" Ozpin suggested before he disappeared.

Salem merely stared at the ground where Ozpin was, thinking upon his words.

"Have fun doing what I can't do in RWBY's canon? Wait...have I done anything fun before? Do even know what fun is?" she questioned herself aloud.

"You may not know what fun is, but I do" SpongeBob announced before he dropped down from out of nowhere.

"YOU!?" Salem yelled in surprise.

"Yes ma'am" the sponge greeted.

"Oh great" Salem muttered, pinching the bridge between her eyes. "What could you possibly teach me about, fun?"

"Fun is when you...fun is...it's like...it's kind of...sort of like a...what is fun? I...Let me spell it for you! F is for friends who do stuff together" SpongeBob started singing.

"The fuck?" Salem cursed under breath.

"U is for you and me. N is for anywhere and anytime at all!"

"Up here in your hellish home" an unseen choir added.

The mastermind behind everything wrong in Remnant looked around alarmed. "Who said that!? My home isn't hellish...or at least not that hellish. I mean, it could be a lot worse"

"Come on Salem. You sing" SpongeBob offered.

"Grrr...fine! F is for the fucking Furries, who will die in fires. U is for Ursa Grimm...mauling. N is for the Nuckelavee that killed Ren's par-"

"Salem! Those things aren't what fun is all about! Now do it like-"

"No! I've finally realized what I like to do for fun!" Salem revealed to the sponge.

"You do?" Mr. Squarepants questioned with enthusiasm.

"Yes! I have fun watching people suffer right before my very eyes" Salem told SpongeBob with a dark and eerie tone, looming over him.

"Oh, uh...well excuse me while I run for the hills" SpongeBob pardon before running for the hills, screaming for his life.

"Ha ha! Yes! I'm always in the shadows watching my Grimm cause mass panic and paranoia. But now it's my turn to step into the spotlight! My turn to kill people with my bare hands. My turn to kill the last Silver Eyed Warrior personally! And my turn to rip Ozpin's beating heart out of his body! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

* * *

 **A/N: Uh-oh, looks like Salem is stepping up as a villain earlier than expected, WAY earlier than expected! What will happen now that she's going out into the field? Will team RWBY be able to stop her? Why did Weiss let Ruby eat out her ass!? Oh, these questions that are normally asked at the end of a 1966 Batman cliffhanger are piling up. Stay tuned fellow readers, it only gets crazier from here.**


	7. The Master Emerald Forest, Part 2

Volume 1 (Technically Season 1), Chapter 7: The Master Emerald Forest, Part 2

 **A/N: Woo! Only three days between updates. I think that's a personal record for me. Mostly because the actual episode, "The Emerald Forest, Part 2" was so short. It's only four minutes and forty-seven seconds long, with the intro and outro segments. So yeah, pretty short. Anyway, here's chapter 7, enjoy.**

* * *

 **Well well well, Chapter 7 is-**

 _"Shut up!"_

 **Damn, what did I do? I'm just trying to narrate.**

 _"I'm trying to plan my grand entrance!"_

 **Your grand entrance?**

"I uh...might have told Salem to have fun in this story" Ozpin informed with a sheepish smile.

 **Wha-? When!?**

"After you left in Chapter 6" Ozpin further informed.

 **After I...what else have you two done after I left!?**

 _"Actually, that was the fist time Ozpin and I have spoken without your knowledge"_

 **Aw, c'mon guys. We're not supposed to do stuff without each other. (That's a lie. I started my secret plan at the end of Chapter 5.)**

 _"Who the hell came up with that rule?"_

 **...Me.**

 _"Ha! I don't follow the rules of a mere mortal"_

 **Ugh, fine. But what's this grand entrance you're talking about?**

 _"I want to make my first physical appearance to team RWBY early. Which is really early considering none of them have seen me yet, and Ruby, Nora, Juane, and Ren are the only ones who know I exist in Volume 4"_

 **Hmm...that might actually be** **beneficial to the story. You appearing earlier than expected would really make this an** **Abridged Crackfic Parody.**

"Rolllllll credits" Oz joked.

 _"What the hell are you talking about?"_

"You know how in movies when someone says the movie's title, and the credits roll right after?" the silver haired man asked.

 _"No"_

 **You've never seen a movie?**

 _"I live in an ancient castle with no electricity in the middle of_ _bumfuck nowhere. What do you think?"_

"That you actually live in the middle of hell instead of bumfuck nowhere?" Oz questioned with a smile.

 _"Shut up!"_

"Oz!? How did you get back here!?" Glynda Goodwitch furiously inquired the headmaster.

"Ruh-oh"

* * *

 **Beacon Cliff**

Ozpin promptly turned around to see a steaming mad Glynda.

"Greetings, Glynda. How are you doing?" Oz politely addressed the blonde.

"You mean _after_ you told me to go make you sandwich?" Ms. Goodwitch shot back.

"No, you didn't get the joke. I asked you that because your last name is GoodWITCH. Get it?"

"...Oh. That changes everything" the basic anime teacher answered in a slight chuckle.

"Really?"

"Nope" Glynda sharply replied, kicking Ozpin in his balls.

The silver haired man dropped his cane, and hot chocolate to grab his crotch. "Ouch, I...never realized...being kicked in my balls...could be so painful"

"You've never been kicked in your balls?" the blonde haired woman question in curiosity.

"Believe it or not...no" Ozpin answered, falling to the ground in pain.

"Hmph, anyway. I wish we had some convenient live footage of what the students are doing right now" Glynda wished, crossing her arms.

"I don't think you would like what you'd see" Oz responded, still on the ground.

"What do you mean?"

"Let's just say Ruby Rose just finished licking the crack of something"

"...What!?"

* * *

 **Ruby and Weiss**

"...What!?" Weiss shouted.

"I said, can I eat out your ass again?" Ruby repeated, holding Weiss' left hand with her right hand.

"You literally just finished eating me out a minute ago" the white haired girl stated, walking next to Ruby hand in hand.

"Can we have a make out session?" Red Riding Hood asked.

"Like, hell no. Your mouth was in my ass. So I don't want your lips anywhere near mine until you brush your teeth 20 times" Ms. Schnee ordered.

 _"Yes, please hold off on doing that. My stomach can only take so much"_

"Wait, YOU SAW US!?" Weiss screamed out in utter embarrassment, letting go of Ruby's hand and turning redder than a tomato.

 **Uh, yeah. We're the narrators. We see everything.**

Elsa gasped in surprise, "You too!?"

"Wow, so we kinda experienced exhibitionism...I like it~" Ruby pervertedly said.

"No! I don't want to be watched by people every time I do something private!" Weiss shouted in defense.

 **But all we do is narrate. It's not like we're gonna tell the world what you-"**

 _"I just posted pictures of Ruby eating out Weiss' ass on the internet"_

"WHAT!?" the Ice Queen shrieked.

 **How did you do that? You just said that you live in an ancient castle with no electricity in the middle of bumfuck nowhere.**

 _"Yes, and as a narrator, I can change little things. Like my castle finally having electricity and Wi-Fi"_

"I-I can't believe you did that Salem! Wh-why would you do that!?" Weiss cried out.

 _"Because I'm the villain, bitch. It's my job to make your existence and life as difficult, and as frustrating as possible"_

"Why? What did I ever do to you?" Snow White pressed.

 _"It's not about what you did. It's about what you, and team RWBY will do in the future to thwart my evil plans!"_

"Team RWBY? Future? Evil plans?" Weiss asked herself aloud.

"I told you we were going to be on the same team together!" Ruby happily told Weiss.

 **Woah! What happened to not telling the characters what'll happen in the future?**

 _"I'm done trying to prevent the impossible! From now on, I'll only provoke the plausible!"_

 **Uh...what the hell does that mean?**

Right after the Fanfiction author asked his question, a large purple fire started behind Ruby and Weiss. Both girls turned around and were surprised at the sudden flames. The fire slowly started dwindling down, to the point where an unsettling figure could be seen. A figure with deathly pallor skin covered with deep red, and purple veins that ran up it's arms and face. The sclerae of it's eyes were jet black, and it's irises were colored red. Along with a black diamond shaped marking in the center of it's forehead.

"L-l-like, wh-who the hell are you?" Weiss stuttered to inquire in terror.

"Yeah, and why do you look evil?" Ruby also inquired, not scared in the slightest.

"I'm Salem" the witch responded as purple fire formed in her hands.

Little Red Riding Hood and Snow White glanced at each other for a second before sprinting away.

"Come back here you little brats! I _only_ want to kill you! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Salem shouted, running after the two girls.

 **Um...okay. Why don't we check up on Blake and Yang fellow readers?**

* * *

 **Blake and Yang**

"...I feel like something evil just appeared" Yang said aloud, looking around the forest.

The Bumblebee pair were still trekking through Emerald Forest, trying to find an emerald Professor Ozpin assigned them to find back in Chapter 4.

"I...I feel like we shouldn't be shipped together. Meow meow" Blake commented in a shy manner.

Yang instantaneously stopped in her tracks, and looked at Blake. "Look, I don't want to be shipped with you either. But if we don't learn to love each other, then bad things will happen"

"You mean rabid fans going online and bitching about their ship not being canon? Then going on, and on about how their ship is superior to all the other ships? Even though their ship doesn't make any sense? Meow meow" the black haired girl derided.

"Uh...well, that certainly isn't good, or bad, more like annoying actually. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about bad things happening to us!" Yang warned.

"Bad things happening to us? What could possibly-"

*CRACK-A-THOOM!*

The not Faunus suddenly found herself being struck by lightning, and fell to the ground from the _shock_ of it all (Get it? Because she got struck by...I'll be quite).

"Told you" the blonde gloated, standing over Blake.

Blake was covered in soot, and coughed up a puff of it. "Yeah...you told me. Meow meow" Blake admitted as she got up with a saddened face.

"Blake, I know this may be hard, but maybe there could be a bright side to this. For instance, maybe Ruby and Weiss got shipped together" Ms. Xiao Long told her.

"Yeah right, let's just find the damn emerald and get this over...with..." Blake trailed off as she and Yang saw something amazing.

In the middle of a clearing lied a circular stone temple with seven pedestals on the outer edge. Five of the pedestals had emeralds on them, and in the center sat a large green emerald, with a dark skinned girl standing in front of it. Said girl had her hair stylized as straight fringe and bangs, as well as two long locks on each side, in the back.

Black and Yellow approached the young woman, with Yang greeting her, "Hi there"

"Oh, hello" the girl replied with a forced smile.

"So...my name is Yang, and this "ball of sunshine" is my shipped partner Blake" the large breast girl revealed. "What's yours?"

"My name is Emerald" Emerald told both of them (Yes, the same Emerald who works for Cinder)

"Wait, your name is Emerald, and you're guarding emeralds? Meow meow" Blake questioned.

"That's right" Ms. Sustrai confirmed.

Both Blake and Yang gave Emerald a deadpanned look that basically said, "Are you fucking serious?"

"Okay...well, we're just going to take one of these emeralds, and-"

"Yoo-hoo~! Emerald~, I'm here~" an unseen female said from the sky.

All three girls looked up and saw Rouge the Bat fly down (If any of you know who she is, you know why her and Emerald mix well together).

"Rouge!" Emerald yelled out excitedly.

"Aw, how's my darling little Emerald doing?" Rouge cooed, patting the mint-green haired girl's hair.

"Wonderful" the young thief responded.

"And did that idiot Knuckles believe you would keep the Master Emerald safe?" the humanoid bat questioned.

"Mostly because of my name" Emerald revealed.

"Ho ho ho, what a numbskull" Rouge made fun of.

The white haired furry reached behind her and pulled a jetpack out of nowhere. "Alright, here's your jetpack. We're going to steal this emerald from right under that red bastard's nose"

Yang and Blake just watched in dumbfoundment with wide circular anime eyes as Emerald put on the jetpack, and flew up in the air with Rouge carrying the Master Emerald, going in the Northeastern direction.

"Uh...was that bat woman a Faunus?" Yang asked Blake.

"All Faunus look like humans with some form of animal appendage. I...don't know what Rouge is. Meow meow" Blake answered.

"Hmm...anyway, we should take one of these smaller emeralds before-"

"My name is Knuckles, I don't chuckle. If you fuckle with me, you'll get a knuckle sandwich" Knuckles the Echidna sung aloud with eyes closed, walking toward the temple.

"Oh great, who the fuck is this?" the blonde bombshell angrily asked no one particular.

As soon as Knuckles heard Yang's voice, his eyes shot open. He looked directly at where the Master Emerald used to be, and screamed like a girl, "EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"

He immediately ran up to the pair of girls, and bombarded them with questions, "Who are you two!? Where's the Master Emerald!? Where's Emerald!? Why are you looking at me like I'm crazy!? Do you work for Eggman!? Shadow!? Rouge!? That fucking blue-"

*SLAP!*

Blake slapped Knuckles across his face in an effort to calm him down.

"Listen, our names are Blake and Yang. We don't work for, or know who Eggman, Shadow, or Rouge are. Emerald, the girl who you let guard the Master Emerald, works for Rouge, and they flew off in the Northeastern direction. Then we were looking at you like you were crazy because, well...you look crazy, plain and simple" Blake calmly told Knuckles.

"Ouch" the Echidna muttered to himself, rubbing his left cheek. "Grr...alright, I believe you guys. For now at least"

Knuckles then ran off to the Northeastern side of Emerald Forest, in an effort to catch up with Rouge and Emerald.

"Geez, let's grab an emerald before-"

"Your sister is falling from the sky. Meow meow" the bow headed girl informed Yang, interrupting her.

"WHAT!?"

* * *

 **SpongeBob and Pyrrha**

The square sponge, and Amazon warrior stared at the opening to a cave. Not noticing the OBVIOUS cave drawings that warn them of the danger they'll soon encounter...or at least SpongeBob didn't notice.

"Do you think this is it?" Spongebob asked Pyrrha.

Pyrrha had a choice to make. She saw the cave paintings, and knew they meant a Deathstalker was inside the damp, dark, domain. She could tell SpongeBob no, and search somewhere else for the emeralds. But, she could lie, and have an intimate moment with SpongeBob, a _very_ intimate moment.

"Um...yes! I do think this is it!" Pyrrha lied with a smile.

"Great, now if only we had a source of light to see in that cave"

"W-we don't need light" the red headed girl quickly replied. "We'll just fumble our way in the dark"

"That sounds a little danger-"

"Nonsense!" Pyrrha interrupted SpongeBob, grabbing his right hand and running into the cave.

Soon after, Ms. Nikos and Mr. Squarepants found themselves inside the cavernous cave. Pyrrha guided the yellow sponge through puddles on the ground, and past a few stalagmites

"Uh, Pyrrha? I'm not so sure the emeralds are in here anymore" SpongeBob told her, a bit unnerved by the dark.

"Don't be ridiculous. Something valuable like emeralds are always found in caves...and underground too" Pyrrha stated, letting go of spongeBob's hand.

"Huh!? Pyrrha!? You let go of my hand! Where'd you go!? I can't see where...why is my nose being stoked?" the Krusty Krab worker said that last part with a nasally voice.

"Wait, that's your nose?" the female warrior inquired.

"Yes" SpongeBob answered, still with a nasally voice.

"Damn it. I forgot how short you are" Pyrrha angrily muttered, letting go of his nose.

"You forgot how short I was? So...what were you trying to grab?"

"Uh...hey, what's glowing over there?" the redhead quickly blurted out, changing the subject.

Deeper in the dark, dank cave, Pyrrha saw what seemed to be large pointed chuck of gold that was hovering in mid-air.

"Wow, is that the emerald? It looks a little more golden that I thought" the sponge questioned.

"I don't know, but I'm gonna throw it outside so we can have a moment of intimacy in the dark" Pyrrha furiously declared, marching up to the "emerald".

"Uh, Pyrrha?"

The girl with polarity Semblance hopped up, and hung onto the "emerald", trying to pull it down. "Why. Won't. You. Move!?"

"Uh, Pyrrha?" SpongeBob addressed again.

"What!?" Pyrrha snapped back in 80% of annoyed frustration, and 20% of sexual frustration.

"That's not the emerald" Mr. Squarepants exclaimed.

"Pardon?" Pyrrha asked for confirmation.

"That's not the emerald. It's the stinger to a giant scorpion" SpongeBob revealed in nervousness.

The "emerald" then floated a bit further in the cave, allowing Pyrrha to be face to face a Deathstalker.

"Ooooooohhhhhh...this is a stinger. And the whole thing is a, Deathstalker" Pyrrha realized. "Y'know, this whole situation reminds me of the season 2 episode, "Sandy, SpongeBob, and the Worm". So I'll use one of Sandy's lines, ahem...RUUUUNN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!"

Both SpongeBob and Pyrrha bolted out of the cave, with the Deathstalker chasing after them. Not knowing of the greater danger that awaited them.

 **Done!**

 **...Wow, this story doesn't feel the same without Salem giving her two cents on everything.**

"Indeed, but the next chapter should be pretty exciting since Salem will be encountering team RWBY, and SNPR (Sniper)" Ozpin expected.

 **I hope so. I don't really know what'll happen next since Salem is out and about doing her own thing. So for now, The End...of Chapter 7.**

* * *

 **A/N: That wraps up chapter 7 guys and gals. Then if you haven't figured it out yet, the next chapter will be about Salem trying to kill Ruby, Weiss, Blake, Yang, SpongeBob, Nora, Pyrrha, and Ren.**

 **Make sure to Favorite, Follow, and leave a review/comment. It lets me know you're enjoying the story.**


	8. Players and Salem?

Volume 1 (Technically Season 1), Chapter 8: Players and...Salem!?

 **A/N: Um, I have to give you guys a quick warning. Remember all the way back in Chapter 1? In my first author's note? Yeah, the serious underlying plot started earlier than I intended in this Chapter, and it's dark, like, a certain character wants to kill herself dark. So be prepared for that.**

* * *

 **Ah, Chapter 8.**

 **...And, there's no Salem here with a witty comment.**

 _"I can kill teenagers, and narrate at the same time"_

 **Great! Do you have any witty comments?**

 _"Nothing witty. Just a big ol' fuck you"_

"Like, stop talking to the Fanfiction writer while you're trying to kill me!" Weiss yelled to Salem, dodging her purple flames.

 **Wait, what happened to Ruby? *Gasp* Did you kill her!?**

 _"No, I managed to light her ass on fire and she jumped high into the air. Like some sort of cartoon character"_

 **Oh, well...I'm gonna go check up on her.**

"Wait, don't leave me Fanfiction writer!" Weiss pleaded.

 **Uh...I don't care about your problems.**

"Wha- you insufferable motherfu-"

* * *

 **Blake, Yang, and soon to be Ruby**

"Geez, let's grab an emerald before-"

"Your sister is falling from the sky. Meow meow" the bow headed girl informed Yang, interrupting her.

"WHAT!?"

Yang's head snapped upwards, and saw a screaming Ruby falling towards her with her butt engulfed in purple flames.

"Don't worry Ruby, I'll catch-" was all the blonde managed to get out before Ruby crashed into her.

Blake sprinted up to the sisters with concern, and asked, "Are you two okay? Meow meow"

Ms. Rose didn't answer. Instead she started dragging her butt across the ground like a dog, in an effort to put out her flaming behind. Leaving Yang in a small crater with swirling anime eyes.

"Ugh...seriously Ruby? Right in my tits" Yang muttered in pain, slowly getting up.

Ruby stopped her scooting, and got up as well. "I'm sorry Yang. I had just finished eating out Weiss' ass, then Salem appeared from a large purple fire, then she set my butt on fire, I jumped high up into the air, then I couldn't control where I was falling, and, and...you saw the rest"

"Woah, woah, woah! Who the hell is Salem!?"

"You ate out Weiss' ass!? Meow meow!"

"She appeared from a large purple fire!?"

"You ate out Weiss' ass!? Meow meow!"

"How did you jump _that_ high!?"

"YOU ATE OUT WEISS' ASS!? MEOW MEOW!"

Both Ruby and Yang looked at Blake after her loud outburst. Which the cat girl visually responded to by blushing.

"Okay okay, first, Weiss and I are shipped together. Second, Salem used to be a voice in my head, but it turns out she's actually real, and is the main villain of our story. Third, I think purple fire is just her Semblance, or something" Ruby fully explained.

The bow headed girl dropped her head in sadness upon hearing that Weiss was shipped with Ruby, and not her. Ruby took note of this, and said, "Oh, don't be sad Blake. The Fanfiction writer said that we're all going to be on the same team together. Just me, Weiss, you, and Yang"

"Wait, Ruby, just stop talking for a second" Yang told her little sister. "You're going on about voices in your head, just like you were during the assembly (Chapter 3). For all I know, Salem _could_ be a real person talking to you through your mind. But her being a villain, and a Fanfiction writer that knows we're going to form a team together? That sounds far fetched. _Really_ far fetched"

 **I wouldn't say it's _that_ far fetched. But I see where you're coming from.**

"...Who-"

"WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT!? MEOW MEOW!?" Blake cursed aloud, rapidly looking around wide eyed.

"That's the Fanfiction writer" Ms. Rose told both teens.

"What!? B-but if he's a Fanfiction _writer_ then that means..." Yang trailed off with a look of worry.

"That...that none of us are real" Blake finished, her tone more softer than usual.

"...Wow, I...never really thought of it like that" Ruby muttered, dropping to the ground. "Now I feel like...like nothing"

 **Aw, come on guys. Your lives still matter to the RWBY fans.**

"My fans?" Ruby inquired.

 **No. Your team name RWBY, R-W-B-Y, is the title of your show. It focuses on you, Weiss, Blake, and Yang.**

"Oh yeah? How many fans do we have?" Ms. Xiao Long questioned.

 **I would say millions because of how many views your episodes get on YouTube. But those are just views, and one person can rewatch videos many times. So I'm going to say thousands of fans.**

"Wow, now I don't feel so meaningless" Ruby happily said, getting up.

 **Yeah, your fans adore all of you, and care very much about you. They might possibly go ballistic if one of you died in the canon of RWBY.**

"I'm...actually feeling better. Meow meow" the bow headed girl admitted.

"Me too!" Yang added.

 **But, this is just some random Fanfiction on the internet. Which isn't canon to RWBY, so the fans won't care if you die, since, again, this story isn't canon. So your lives are just about as small as you first guessed.**

All three girls got quite after hearing that, not knowing what to say. Who could blame them? They just found out their lives don't mean anything. Just fictional characters being used by a random guy on the internet for his amusement. Puppets tangled in the strings of a Puppeteer.

"Guys...I...I know this may sound bad, but look on the-" Ms. Rose was probably going to say something uplifting, but got cut off as Nora yelled out something.

"Oh boy! That was a nice quickie, Ren!" Nora obnoxiously shouted out, emerging from the treeline with Ren.

"Nora, please. Don't say stuff like that out loud" Mr. Lie told Nora in a furious whisper.

"Oops, sorry" the orange haired girl sheepishly apologized, rubbing the back of her head. She then saw team RBY on the circular stone temple floor. "Hey guys! Why do you all look sad? No, wait, depressed?"

"Nora, Ren, I...don't know how to say this" Yang started. "We aren't-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" both SpongeBob and Pyrrha screamed, also emerging from the treeline, still running from a Deathstalker.

"You've got to be kidding me. First we find out we aren't real, then witness Nora and Ren right after they had sex, and now there's a Deathstalker coming our way. Meow meow" the bow headed girl complained.

"FUCK! Can everybody chill the hell out for two seconds! I can't take all of this craziness at once!" the blonde shouted out to everybody.

 **Okay, I'll count. One...t-"**

"EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK" Weiss screamed for her life, running towards the temple and straight into Blake's arms.

Checkmate, Monochrome, or whatever you want to call Blake x Weiss, fell to the ground. Weiss was on all fours on top of Blake, and both girls stared into each others eyes, not knowing what to say. Blake didn't know what to say because Weiss let Ruby eat out her ass. Then Weiss didn't know what to say because she let Ruby eat out her ass.

"Um...Weiss? What happen to Salem?" Red Riding Hood inquired the white haired girl.

Elsa instantly stood up shouting, "Oh shit!"

*FWOOOOSHHHHH!*

A part of the treeline got engulfed in purple flames as Salem's silhouette formed in the fire. She soon stepped out in all her evil glory, making the air around our protagonists have a final boss feel to it. The air had such a final boss feel to it, that lesser beings like the Deathstalker that was chasing SpongeBob and Pyrrha ran back to it's dwelling.

"At long last! Team RWBY and team SNPR (Sniper)!" Salem loudly addressed the two teams.

"What the fuck!? THAT'S Salem!?" Goldilocks questioned Ruby for confirmation.

"Yep" Ruby answered with a short reply.

"That's right you mere mortals! Your dark goddess Salem is here to kill you! None of you are anywhere near powerful enough to handle my sheer strength, wisdom, and magical prowess! For I control the darkness of this world, because _I am_ the living embodiment of darkness, because I am supreme, I am omnipotent, I am your superior, I am your better, and I am just flat out cooler than you all! And THIS! This will be our first, and final ballad of death, because none of you can beat me! Yes, that's right! Emerald Forest will be your grave, and final resting place! Then I, the great and powerful Salem, will march to Beacon academy with an army of Grimm, and my closest subordinates to finally kill that silver haired bastard Ozpin! I will rip his beating heart out of his chest, poor the blood dripping from it in a chalice, and drink from it at a party, OF EVIL! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

 **Uh...Salem?**

"Shut up! Can't you see I'm monologuing like a true villain?" Salem hissed.

 **That's the problem...you're monologuing.**

"What the hell are you..." the white haired witch trailed off when she noticed everybody was gone.

"WHERE THE HELL DID THEY GO!?"

* * *

 **The Grassy Area Just Before You Get to the Ancient Stone Ruins With Columns and Pillars (There's no actual name for this place)**

All eight future Hunters, and Huntresses ran into the abandoned ruins of...whatever this place is called. With their respective emeralds in hand. Everything was going smoothly until Ruby halted in her tracks. Yang stopped first while everybody else did the same.

"Ruby, what are you doing? We have to get out of here!" the gauntlet wearing girl told her.

"No we don't! We can fight her!" Ruby argued.

"Like, hello? Remnant to Ru-bae! Did you not feel the air when Salem first popped up? She's totally final boss level tier" Weiss countered.

"Not to mention that we're only in training. Meow meow" Blake added.

Ms. Rose stomped her right foot on the ground, "So!? None of this is real, and isn't canon! We can do things that we aren't supposed to do early on in our show. Like fighting the embodiment of evil before we get initiated into Beacon!"

SpongeBob, Nora, Pyrrha, and Ren, looked at Ruby in confusion.

"Ruby...what are you talking about?" the Asian teen questioned.

"Yeah, you sound crazier than me! And _that's_ saying something" Nora commented, putting her hands on her hips.

There was a short period of silence as the team RWBY members looked at each other with concern. Which Yang decided to break.

"Guys...I know this might be hard to believe, but...we...none of us...our entire world..." the blonde trailed off not knowing how to tell the four.

"We aren't real. Meow meow" Ms. Belladonna said bluntly.

"...DAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a funny prank" SpongeBob laughed, wiping a single tear away.

"I must say that was indeed funny. We thought you four had something serious to say" Pyrrha jested in a chuckle.

The four main characters merely looked at team SNPR (Sniper) in disbelief as they erupted with laughter.

 **Wow, they really don't believe you.**

An idea formed in Ruby's head, "Fanfiction writer, can you talk to them like you did with Weiss, Blake, and Yang!?"

 **Nope, only main characters can hear me...which is only you four by the way.**

"Great, just great! We're the only ones who know the truth about our world, and there's nothing we can do about it! Meow meow!" the not Faunus screamed out in frustration.

"Blake, calm down" Elsa urged her.

"No! Our lives mean nothing in this Fanfiction, and when we tell people what we know, they'll think we're crazy, or take it as a joke! I mean, just look at those four! Meow meow!" Blake reasoned, pointing at team SNPR (Sniper). Said team stopped their laughing once they realized how serious Blake was.

"Woah, Blake. You seriously need to take a chill pill. Our situation may be...unusual to say the least. But just because we, and the world we live in isn't real, doesn't mean we can't live our life out to the fullest. We can still do everything we want to do. Like fighting Salem early in our story" Yang directed that last part of her little speech to Ruby, who gave her a smile.

"Grrr...YANG! Do you seriously not get it!? If the Fanfiction writer decides that he wants to kill us, it'll happen, and we won't be able to stop him! He could have us witness the most horrifying thing possible, torture us, make us kill our loved ones with our very hands, or-or something along those lines. Matter of fact, he could be controlling what we're saying right now! Aren't you!? Meow meow!"

 **Uhhhhh...**

"I knew it. Meow meow" the bow headed girl muttered before falling to the ground in the fetal position, on the brink of tears.

"Blake..." Weiss trailed off in sadness upon seeing her crush so broken.

*FWOOOOSHHHHH!*

Once again, Salem emerged from a treeline engulfed in purple flames, walking towards the group of eight. "You think you're so clever, don't you? Running away while I'm monologuing. Well it won't happen again! This time, I will keep my speech short, always have my eyes on you all, and I _won't_ do my evil laugh. So now team RWBY, and SNPR (Sniper), prepare to...why is Blake crying?"

Ruby glanced down at Blake for a second before replying, "We all found out that we're nothing more than non-canon versions of ourselves being used in a Fanfiction. Well, my team and I found out. Team SNPR (Sniper) doesn't believe us. We all took it pretty hard, but Blake took it the hardest"

"...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! My my, this is priceless! Blake learns the truth about her existence, and can't handle it! So now she's crying on the ground like an itty bitty wittle baby" Salem said that last part as if she was talking to an actual baby.

"Stop making fun of Blake, you total...witch bitch" Snow White snapped at the evil mastermind.

Salem's teasing attitude soon changed from cruelly teasing, to deadly serious as she glared at the white haired girl. She approached closer, fire forming in her hands, "Do you think insults will affect me you rich, snobby, Valley Girl?"

Everybody slowly backed away, drawing their weapons. But Blake slowly stood up with fresh tear marks on her face.

"S-Salem? Meow meow" Ms. Belladonna addressed the witch.

Salem stopped a few feet away from Blake, still having fire in her hands. "What?" she asked in a strange mix of anger and curiosity.

"Can you...can you just get this over with and kill me already? Meow meow" Blake asked, surprising everyone in the area.

"WHAT!?" everybody behind Blake shouted.

"You want _me_ to kill _you_?" Salem inquired for confirmation.

"Yes. Meow meow" the bow headed girl replied.

"Why? Has the revelation of your life not meaning anything to anyone in the real world made you suicidal?" Salem questioned with a wicked smile.

"...Yes, especially since my life is in a Fanfiction. If I were the canon Blake, with thousands of fans who care about my well being, I might not be asking you this. But...I'm just some random, non-canon version of her. My life doesn't mean anything to them as long the true canon Blake is still alive. So..." Blake trailed off with tears steaming down her face. "Just kill me. Meow meow"

All the protagonists were shocked, and sadden to hear Blake say that. But Salem? Her already wicked smile turned into a sadistic grin of malice. Every saddened, depressed word that left Blake's mouth was music to her ears. The immense joy she got from hearing a team RWBY member wanting to die at her feet was unsettling. The added tears, and shocked expressions on everybody's face was icing on the cake to her.

"Heh, heh...what ever you say little kitty cat" Salem whispered to the Faunus. The purple fire emitting from Salem's hands turned into purple sparks of electricity. "Don't worry dear. You'll barely feel a thing" the witch stated calamitously.

 **Whelp, so long Blake. It was nice while it lasted.**

"You're just going to let Salem kill Blake so easily?" Ozpin inquired.

 **Yeah, I don't see the problem with it. Having a main character die this early on will really shake things up.**

"True, but you'll have a higher chance of your story ending prematurely" Oz revealed.

 **Uh...what are you talking about?**

"It's a common rule for most stories. However, there are few exceptions, and this story is _not_ one of them" the silver haired man explained.

 **Stop pussy footing around and tell me what this "rule" is.**

"I'll try to explain it as clearly as possible" Oz started. "If all four members of team RWBY die, then your Fanfiction will come to a close. And before you ask, no. If only one, two, or three members die, and you resurrect them, their death will still count. So when the other team members who haven't died manage to die, your Fanfiction will end"

 **Bu- wha- wha- WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?**

"You mean to tell me that I can have fun killing team RWBY, and get rewarded by having everything turn back to normal?" Salem questioned.

"That's right" Oz answered.

"Yes! Now stand still Blake. I have a story to end!" the main antagonist stated, gearing up for her electrical attack.

 **OH GOD DAMN IT FUCKING SHIT! QUICK! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING! R-RUBY! GO KISS SALEM!**

"Aye aye, captain!" Ruby obliged, doing a short salute before running up to Salem.

"Wait, you want her to-"

Salem got cut off as Ruby wrapped her arms around her, and started kissing her pale lips. The witch would've immediately throw Ruby off, but the new hormones her hentai dick (You forgot about it, didn't you?) gave her, actually made her start enjoying it. Until she remembered something...Ruby ate out Weiss' ass not too long ago.

Salem immediately pushed Ruby off and started spitting at the ground. "You disgusting little- *burp*, bitch! I can't believe you had the- *burp* fucking audacity to do that! *Burp* Oh fuck me! I CAN FUCKING TASTE IT!"

Even though throwing up on her enemy would give her an advantage. Salem had manners, and turned around to puke up her black sludge. The goo formed into a jet black ebony puddle, making the witnesses slightly gag. Except for Ruby and Nora, who found it interesting that Salem threw up black sludge. But Ren and SpongeBob almost threw up themselves.

Salem turned back around to face Ruby, slightly hunched over, grabbing her stomach with her left hand. "Y-you...damn- *burp* Silver Eyed Warrior! You're just like- *burp* your freak of a mother!"

"Wait...my mom?" Ruby asked of her.

The witch didn't reply. Instead she fell on her right side, clutching her abdomen with both hands, muttering to herself.

"Like...does this mean we won?" Weiss inquired of everybody, looking around.

Yang was about to say something, but a Bullhead came out of nowhere. Only _seven_ protagonists looked up at it, while Blake took this moment to sneak away. The aircraft hovered right behind Salem, giving Ruby a front row seat to whatever was about to happen.

"Mom!" Cinder cried out after hopping out the Bullhead, still with an out of place shadow on her face.

"C-Cinder? What are- how did you know I was here?" Salem questioned her, confused as to how she knew to come here.

"Don't you remember? You cast a spell on us that let's us know when the other is in distress" Ms. Fall answered her "mother".

"...Why does that make sense?" the witch asked herself.

"Come on. I'll take you home" Cider stated, picking Salem up bridal style, jumping back up in the Bullhead.

"Wha- no! That's not fair! We beat her fair and _square_!" Ms. Xiao Long vehemently screamed up at the Bullhead. "Uh...no offense SpongeBob"

"None taken" the yellow _square_ being replied.

Cinder gently sat Salem down in the Bullhead's passenger seat, and walked back to the aircraft's side entrance.

""We beat her fair and square?" Ruby did all the work. You didn't help at all. You sorry excuse for a sister. You're nothing more than a top heavy, blonde, temper tantrum having cow with abandonment issues" Cinder roasted Yang, literally setting her ablaze.

"DAYUM! She roasted you Yang!" Ms. Valkyrie pointed out with a huge smile.

"SHUT UP!" Yang yelled back, rolling on the ground to put out herself out.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! See you bitches later!" Cinder harshly bidded before getting in the Bullhead's driver seat and flying away.

The blonde bombshell finished rolling around, and got back up, still smoking a bit.

"Wait, where's Blake!?" Snow White shouted in fear of her crush running off to commit suicide.

"I would say we should look for her. But I think we're about to enter a scene change" Ruby said.

Yang grunted, "Are you fucking seri-"

* * *

 **Beacon's Auditorium**

"Russel Thrush, Cardin Winchester, Dove Bronzewing, and Sky Lark" Ozpin addresses from the stage. The four assholes of Season 1 walked up to the stage. "The four of you retrieved the orange, and green Chaos Emeralds. From this day forward, you will work together as...Team CRDL, led by...Cardin Winchester"

The shadow audience applauded as team CRDL left the stage to go do what they do best in Season 1...be bullies.

"SpongeBob Squarepants, Lie Ren, Pyrrha Nikos, and Nora Valkyrie. The four of you retrieved the yellow, and pink Chaos Emeralds. From this day forward, you will work together as...Team SNPR (Sniper)" Ozpin named them.

Again, the shadow audience gave their applause. "Led by...SpongeBob Squarepants" Oz revealed.

The kitchen sea sponge looked at the headmaster in disbelief. While Pyrrha picked him up and gave him a hug, squeezing Mr. Squarepants and making him squeak like a rubber ducky. The four team members left the stage, allowing team RWY to walk on stage.

"And finally: Ruby Rose, Weiss Schnee, Blake Bella-" Ozpin cut himself short after seeing Blake wasn't there. "Um...where is Ms. Belladonna?"

"She found out that we aren't real and ran away" Ruby replied.

"Possibly to commit suicide" Weiss muttered sadly.

Ozpin sighed, "She'll be back. So for the time being I'll still have her on your team"

"Now: Ruby Rose, Weiss Schnee, Blake Belladonna, and Yang Xiao Long. The four of you retrieved the red, and white Chaos Emeralds. From this day forward, you will work together as...Team RWBY. Led by... Ruby Rose"

"Kinda saw that coming a mile away since the Fanfiction writer already told us our team was literally named after Ruby. Then there's the fact that you chose who was standing to the far right to be team leader" Yang pointed out.

"Like, what are you talking about?" Snow White questioned.

"Professor Ozpin only chose the students who were on the far right to be team leader. Well, our right, his left. The students standing in those spots were Cardin, SpongeBob, and Ruby" the blonde fully explained.

Everyone in the auditorium looked at Ozpin. Causing the silver haired man to give off a sly smile.

"Uh...you see...what had happened was..." the Professor trailed off, hoping for something to suddenly happen to change the subject. And something did. Sonic the Hedgehog ran on stage next to Ozpin.

"What's up Oz?" Sonic greeting the headmaster, giving him a fist-bump.

"Nothing much. I just enrolled twelve students who got all six Chaos Emeralds for you" Oz responded, letting the emeralds float around his body in a circle.

"Six? Dude, there's _seven_ Chaos Emeralds" the hedgehog corrected.

"Huh? But weren't there six in your first video game?" Ozpin countered.

"Yeah, but there's been seven in total ever since the sequel" Sonic informed him.

"If that's true, then who has the-"

"OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" Dr. Eggman laughed as he descended into Beacon's Auditorium (Note, the auditorium doesn't have a roof) in his Egg Mobile.

"Eggman!" Sonic shouted to egg themed mad scientist.

"That's right you pesky little pincushion. I, Dr. Eggman (Or Dr. Robotnik for you classic fans), have in my possession the last Chaos Emerald, that your dear friend Ozpin didn't collect. So with this emerald in hand, I will-"

*BANG!*

Yang, having enough of all this crazy shit for one day, shot the Egg Mobile down. Causing it to crash land in the middle of the auditorium, without hurting any of the shadow students.

"Uh...thanks!" the blue blur thanked.

"No problem" Ms. Xiao Long said, giving him a fist-bump.

Ozpin let out a chuckle, "It looks like things are shaping up to be an...interesting Fanfiction"

* * *

 **Some Random Warehouse**

The smooth criminal know as Roman Torchwick stood in front of a map of Vale, observing it. He had certain areas circled, and crossed out, obviously planning something big. A few seconds later, some random White Fang member came in pushing a cart with a large container on it. Roman dug into his coat pocket, pulled out some lien, and handed it to the furry.

"Open it" the orange haired criminal ordered.

The White Fang member obeyed, and opened the container. Inside said container was...a whole bunch of cups filled slushies of many different colors and flavors.

Roman licked his lips upon seeing all the cold, frosty treats. "We're gonna need more men to enjoy these with"

 **At long last I'm done with that Emerald Forest Arc! I feel like I had those characters wandering around in there forever!**

 _"OOOOooooOOOOOOOO...the pain"_

 **Oh great, are you depressed again?**

 _"I just vomited not too long ago, and you're going to ask me if I'm depressed? Really?"_

 **I was just asking.**

"I'm surprised this chapter turned out so dark. With Blake wanting Salem to kill her" Ozpin commented.

 _"I would've killed her to. If you hadn't made Ruby kiss me!"_

 **By the way, what was that about Ruby being a freak like her mom?**

 _"I don't know. The events that happened prior to your story are still a mystery to me. I only have a hazy memory of Summer Rose doing something to me in your canon"_

 **...What?**

"What Salem is trying to say, is that she has memories of what's canon to RWBY. And now new memories that are canon to your story are entering her mind. Almost as if she lived two separate lives" Oz explained.

 **So...Summer Rose did something to you? Weird.**

 _"I'm pretty sure it had something to do with my dick. That much I'm certain"_

 **Yeah, maybe, I dunno. Either way, I'm done writing for now. We'll continue this in future Chapters.**

 _"What the fuck ever"_

"Bye Felicia" Oz bid.

* * *

 **A/N: Okay, in case you missed it, Blake ran away, and Summer Rose used to be like Ruby (In more ways than one). Then Jaune...he's still training in Swallow Falls. Now, this chapter is a turning point for this story. The four main characters realizing they're not real is a plot point that I originally wanted to bring up later on in the story, but I brought it up earlier than I planned. There's also a second plot point with Summer Rose. She did _something_ in the past which is affecting one of the characters. I'm not going to explain any further on that. You've gotten enough hints in this chapter already. Then you already knew I'm planning on having Jaune be OP as hell, but you don't know when I'll add him to the mix. Or if he'll be a good guy.**

 **That about does it for now. I'm almost done watching Season 3, and so far both parts of "** **The Badge and the Burden" are the most boring episodes I've seen. So there's a HIGH chance I'll skip them in this story, and get straight into Spongedice. Oh, and here's a pre-warning to Spongedice. There's going to be** **psychological trauma for one of the characters. Yes, I know that's pretty dark, and to tell you the truth, said character didn't need to be punished that much. That's just what happens when you piss off someone's number one fan... oops, spoilers.**

 **Update: The** **psychological trauma isn't what you think is. It's more or less someone watching the entire series of a certain show non-stop.**

 **Make sure to Favorite, Follow, and leave a review/comment. It lets me know you're enjoying the story.**


	9. The 16 Commandments of Discussion

Bonus Chapter: The 16 Commandments of Discussion

 **A/N: This bonus chapter is based on an event that happened on the RWBY Sub-Reddit. You don't have to know what happened in order to enjoy this chapter. Just know that a user posted 16 (Originally 14) "Ground Rules" in the comments section of their post. In which the usual RWBY Reddit users found hilarious. Now this is not a direct attack on the poster. This is just my way of having fun with the "Ground Rules", or the "16 Commandments of Discussion" as I like to call it. I'm still working on Spongedice, so don't worry. This "Ground Rules" thing was too good to pass up.**

* * *

 **We're taking a small detour Salem.**

 _"The hell are you on about?"_

 **Listen, some stuff went down on Reddit, and I wanted to make a chapter based on it.**

 _"What the fuck is Reddit?"_

"Online social media to sum it up" Ozpin informed her.

 _"Wh-why are you making a chapter based on internet foolishness?"_

 **Really? You've sat through 8 chapters of this story, and ask me a question about foolishness?**

 _"Bah! Whatever! Just...just get this over with"_

* * *

 **Some Random Forest**

A lone figure walked through a misty forest. Stepping on the still present morning dew on grass blades. Light gray clouds were floating across the sky, giving a visible sign that the morning dew was fresh. The lone figure trekking through this forest wasn't some random background character, or a one a shot character. This character was Raven Branwen. The worst mom ever, and possible relative of Raditz from Dragon Ball Z (I mean, just look at that hair!). Now, what could Raven be doing walking through the woods? More importantly, when is this taking place in RWBY's timeline? And is she wearing her Grimm mask? Those are questions a writer would care about if their story wasn't an Abridged Crackfic Parody. But I'll play along, and answer said questions. One, Ms. Branwen was on her way to the tribe that raised her and Qrow. Two, this takes place right after Raven left Taiyang, and Yang. Three, she's not wearing her Grimm mask.

After a few more minutes of walking, Raven made it to a clearing. The clearing had tents of all shapes and sizes, campfires, a few horses, people walking around, and yada yada yada, let's move this chapter along.

"What the-? Raven, is that you?" one of the tribe members shouted over to her.

Raven looked to her right and saw her cousin (For Crackfic reasons I'll have her cousin be Wolverine. Wearing a grey wife-beater, and jeans) Logan walking over to her.

"Ah, hello Logan" Raven greeted with a genuine smile.

"Don't give me that "hello Logan" crap. The hell do you want?" Logan questioned. "You smell like a priest right after service"

"I've come to tell you about the word" the black haired woman answered.

"Oh my G-...you're religious now?"

"What!? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha...no. I'm here to tell to lay some "Ground Rules". The voice in my head told me I could call them the "14 Commandments of Discussion" Raven corrected.

"...What the fuck are you smokin'?" Logan asked in the most deadpanned tone ever.

"I'm not "smokin'" anything. The voice told me to tell my tribe about the "14 Commandments of Discussion" because someone important is going to come give a speech" the totally not crazy woman revealed.

Logan held back a chuckle. "O-okay, how about this? I'll gather everyone in the tribe so they can all hear your..."14 Commandments of Discussion""

"Sounds fine to me"

* * *

 **10 Minutes Later**

The tribe had formed a circle of logs around Raven. Men, women, and children of all sorts sat on the logs, waiting for Raven to get on with her "14 Commandments of Discussion".

"Alright Rave" Logan said, sitting down on a log close to the center. "The floor's all yours"

"*Ahem* Fellow tribe members. I have returned to my homeland, well, technically home-tribe, to tell you all about the "14 Commandments of Discussion". Now I know these sudden rules must come as a shock to you. But they're a necessity for our way of life" Raven announced.

Everyone started murmuring to one another, and gave each other confused expressions. There was even one loud "Dafuq?" from the crowd.

"Now before you all start flooding me with questions, let me list out each Commandment" Raditz's possible sister began.

 **Rule number 1: No complaining about the "14 Commandments".**

 **Rule number 2: No complaining about the speech giver's motivations for making their speech. Or anyone's motivations for anything. Speculating about motives is banned forever.**

 **Rule number 3: No complaining about the speech giver insulting writers after insulting their work, or something about their work.**

 **Rule number 4: No saying "The speech giver complains about the lack of information this season gave us. However, later seasons answered the questions that episode left us with, SO THERE!", because that is _the dumbest thing_.**

 **Rule number 5: No mentioning Monty Oum. He is awesome.**

 **Rule number 6: No insulting me for telling you this.**

 **Rule number 7: No insulting the speech giver for giving their speech.**

 **Rule number 8: If the speech giver is wrong, you can explain why he's wrong without needing to rage or use insults.**

 **Rule number 9: No complaining about the speech's length. They talk slowly, so just use some sort of fast forward spell or something.**

 **Rule number 10: No mentioning popularity or success.**

 **Rule number 11: No acting like a Steven Universe fangirl.**

 **Rule number 12: You can still like Pumpkin Pete even if this speech exists. I can agree with some of its points and still love the show as a whole. I do.**

 **Rule number 13: I love my daughter, anyone that says otherwise because I "abandoned" her will be silenced.**

 **Rule number 14: Talk with actual comments, not boos. If you boo me too much, I can only respond to questions/comments once every 10 minutes and that makes holding DISCUSSION AND CONVERSATIONS harder.**

Everyone including Logan looked at Raven as if she were the craziest person on the planet.

"You must be smokin' that good _good_ shit" someone shouted.

"No I'm not, and we'll review each rule in case anyone has any questions" Raven stated. "So, rule number one?"

"Yeah, how can we _not_ complain about the "14 Commandments of Discussion"? You just waltzed up in here and lay down these rules like you rule over us or some shit, and expect us to follow them without question?" a random dude with a beard pointed out.

"And who the fuck would come all the way out here to give us a damn speech?" Logan added. "...Wait a minute. You're givin' the speech, aren't you?"

"Okay, fine. You guys can complain about the ground rules. But I'm _not_ the one giving the speech!" Raven shot back. "Okay, rule number 2?"

"Why can't we complain about the speech giver's motivations for making their speech? What if their only motivation is to make fun of...wait. What the hell are they giving a speech about?" a woman commented.

"I think I heard something about...Pumpkin Pete?" Logan realized.

"N-no you didn't" Raven stuttered in a lie.

"Yes he did. You said it in rule 12, and I quote, "You can still like Pumpkin Pete even if this speech exists"" a random guy snitched.

"Fuck you random guy!" Raven yelled at him with angry anime eyes.

"My name is Charles" Charles revealed.

"Wait a minute. Did you just admit to abandoning your daughter in rule 13?" Logan took note of.

"I didn't abandon her! I left her with my boyfriend and plan on never seeing her again" Raven explained.

"That sounds like abandonment" someone shouted.

"Hey! I also said anyone who says otherwise will be silenced!" the deranged woman decreed before pulling out her sword.

"Alright Raven, that's enough. I don't know what kinda drugs you're on, but apparently they're too much for you to handle" Logan figured.

"You know what? Because of all your complaining, I'm adding two more Commandments" Raven decided.

 **Rule Number 15: No complaining about the poster. It never comes up, and doesn't even matter.**

 **Rule Number 16: (Wow, Logan, didn't think I'd need to add this one to the list) No claiming the speech giver is the same person as me. By the twin Gods, there's grasping at straws, then there's what you're doing. DISCUSS THE SPEECH, NOT ME. By the way, you're not invited to any of my Birthday parties. No, disagreeing with your idiotic assumption is not evidence that it's right. Here, let me explain: You're a pedophile, you're a rapist, your parents raped you when you were a kid, and you pirate video games. If you disagree with that statement, you're "Defensive" and that means I'm right. Haha, too bad, your non-logic goes both ways. Now fuck off.**

"...What. The hell. Is wrong with you?" Logan questioned in disbelief.

"And what goddamn poster are you talking about?" a random bald headed guy asked.

"This one" Raven replied before pulling out a poster of Velvet wearing a red bikini that left little to the imagination.

"Looks like clickbait" the bald guy responded.

"Nah, this would be clickbait if it was a thumbnail to a video. This is just false advertising" Logan explained.

"Wha- it's a rabbit Faunus on a poster for a speech about Pumpkin Pete! Who is also a rabbit!" Raven rectified.

"Really Raven? If I saw a poster with a half naked bunny girl on it, I would think there's a strip club nearby" a blonde woman exclaimed.

"And why the hell is rule 16 directed at me?" Logan inquired.

"And you just admitted that this speech is about Pumpkin Pete" Charles pointed out.

"Plus, who's Monty Oum in rule 5? I feel like one of his creations" someone shouted.

"And who's Steven Universe in rule 11?" a brunette woman yelled out.

"About rule 10. Does fast forward magic even exist?" a bearded man inquired.

"...You know what? Fuck you guys and your bone spurs! I'm going to another tribe to spread word of the "14 Commandments of Discussion"!" Raven growled, putting her sword away and walking off in a huff.

"Don't you mean the " _16_ Commandments of Discussion"?" Charles joked.

"Wait, Raven. Here's some Lien" Logan said after he got up and ran over to her. Handing the black haired woman some Lien.

"Why are you giving me this?" Raven asked.

"Because now your "16 Commandments of Discussion" will be forever immortalized in our tribe" Logan said as a golden plaque of Raven's "16 Commandments of Discussion" materialized in his right hand.

Raven's jaw dropped upon seeing this. "How did you-"

"Magic" everyone in the tribe said simultaneously, including Logan.

The child abandoner had no words, and left the tribe quietly. Leaving her tribe to have fun with her "16 Commandments of Discussion".

* * *

 **Done!**

 _"What? What the hell- wh-why? Why did you waste chapter space for this? What was so goddamn funny about these Commandment? How-"_

"Salem, the people from Reddit are gonna ask questions about us if we keep talking" Ozpin warned.

 _"I don't care. I want to know why this chapter was written!"_

 **Because...Crackfic reasons.**

 _"Grrr, you and that goddamned excu-"_

 **The End...of this bonus chapter XD**


	10. Spongedice, Part 1

Volume 1 (Technically Season 1), Chapter 9: Spongedice, Part 1

* * *

 **A/N: Hey guys, it's the one year and two day** **anniversary of the last time I updated this story :) This is such a momentous occasion for only... 9 chapters. Wow. Uh... yeah, that's not a lot for a year and two days of no updates. Sorry about that. But in my time away I've learned some things about the RWBY Fandom. You know that whole parody shipping Bumblebee moment between Yang and Blake back in Chapter 7? If you don't, let me recap you.**

"...I feel like something evil just appeared" Yang said aloud, looking around the forest.

The Bumblebee pair were still trekking through Emerald Forest, trying to find an emerald Professor Ozpin assigned them to find back in Chapter 4.

"I...I feel like we shouldn't be shipped together. Meow meow" Blake commented in a shy manner.

Yang instantaneously stopped in her tracks, and looked at Blake. "Look, I don't want to be shipped with you either. But if we don't learn to love each other, then bad things will happen"

"You mean rabid fans going online and bitching about their ship not being canon? Then going on, and on about how their ship is superior to all the other ships? Even though their ship doesn't make any sense? Meow meow" the black haired girl derided.

"Uh...well, that certainly isn't good, or bad, more like annoying actually. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about bad things happening to us!" Yang warned.

"Bad things happening to us? What could possibly-"

*CRACK-A-THOOM!*

The not Faunus suddenly found herself being struck by lightning, and fell to the ground from the _shock_ of it all (Get it? Because she got struck by...I'll be quite).

"Told you" the blonde gloated, standing over Blake.

 **At the time of writing that scene, I had no idea of the BMBLB song drama going on in the Fandom. I'm truly sorry if I wound up pissing you, or anybody else off because of that. The scene was supposed to be poking fun at how shippers _in general_ get too worked up over shipping characters together. Again, sorry about that. I should've been more involved with the FNDM before making that joke, or at least chose different characters for said joke.**

 **Now with apologizes out of the way, let's _finally_ continue the story after a whole entire year and two days. However, it's a small chapter because Jaunedice is a short episode. And I would've combined Jaunedice parts 1 and 2 together, but I wanted to start small so I could get back into the swing of things.**

* * *

 **Alright, so we left off with Summer Rose doing something to you. Right Salem?**

 _"Huh!? You actually want to continue that conversation? After a year and two days of leaving in limbo?!"_

 **Uh, yeah. I'm writing this story as it goes along with the basic plot planned out. And Summer Rose isn't in my plans... at least not right now.**

 _"Well... I don't know. I feel like I was violated... a lot"_

 **That sounds like sexual assault o_O**

 _"I was molested by Summer Rose!? You disgusting human!"_

 **What!? I didn't do anything!**

 _"Yes you did! You're the one writing this story and it's canon. So in the events before your story, you made Summer Rose rape me!"_

 **But I didn't. And what do you mean by rape? For all you or I know, Summer and your spooky looking self could've had** **consensual** **passionate sex.**

 _"I... you... uh... was it_ _consensual and_ _passionate?"_

 **I don't know. Do you remember it being passionate?**

 _"I don't know either. I think I remember my balls being fondled by most soft gentle hands I've ever-_

"Ugh, TMI Salem" Ozpin chimed in.

 **Yeah, let's get on with the story.**

 _"Grrr... fine! But this isn't over!"_

* * *

 **The official chapter 9 of our story opens up with Cardin fighting SpongeBob on a stage. The two unlikely combatants (Mostly SpongeBob) were in an epic clash. Cardin with his brute strength and Mace, and SpongeBob with his cartoony karate and Bubble Wand.**

"Stand still, cheese head!" Cardin yelled out in frustration, trying to swing at SpongeBob.

"Isn't showing off our skills the whole reason for this sparring match? Which includes dodging, A.K.A _not_ standing still?" the sponge innocently asked, back-flipping away.

"Well- yeah! It's just something that someone says when their opponent keeps dodging!" Cardin explained, running after him.

"That doesn't make any sense. Why tell your opponent to stand still when you know they're not going to?" SpongeBob continued to question, getting ready to attack.

"Bah! I don't know! It's just a saying, okay?!" the dark orange haired student further explained, preparing to attack as well.

Before he could strike the sea creature, SpongeBob blew into his Bubble Wand, releasing a plethora of soapy bubbles.

"MY EYES!" Cardin screamed when the bubbles made contact with his indigo colored peepers, making him drop his Mace and cover his face.

In one quick motion, SpongeBob transformed his Bubble Wand into a Spatula, and smacked the Team CRDL leader across his face. Cardin let out a grunt of pain and uncovered his face, revealing his red teary eyes.

"Had enough yet?" Mr. Squarepants tauntingly inquired with a serious face, about to attack again.

"You little square motherfu-"

"ENOUGH!" Glynda shouted to both of them, interrupting Cardin. "Students, as you can see, Mr. Winchester's Aura has now dropped into the red. In a tournament styled duel, this would indicate that Cardin is no longer fit for battle, and that the official may call the match"

"What!?" Cardin shouted, looking up at the giant screen showing both his profile picture and Aura meter. "B-but he barely even hit me!"

"True, but that bubble swarm really did a number on your Aura. Mostly due to your eyes" Ms. Goodwitch elaborated.

Cardin growled in defeat before picking up his Mace and walking off the stage, seething with rage.

"OOHHHHHH YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH! Bring it around town! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" SpongeBob happily shouted out, rotating his hips in a cartoonish fashion on stage.

"Alright, alright, settle down and please take your seat Mr. Squarepants" Glynda directed while adjusting her glasses.

"Aye aye, captain!" SpongeBob happily responded, giving the sparring teacher a salute before springing to his seat next to Pyrrha, who gave him a one arm hug.

"Remember everyone, the Vytal Festival is only a few months away. It won't be long before students from the other kingdoms start arriving in Vale, so keep practicing. Those who choose to compete in the combat tournament will be representing all of Vale" the blonde announced, giving plot exposition.

* * *

 **Cafeteria**

"So... there we were, in the middle of the night..." Nora began.

"It was day" Ren corrected.

"We were surrounded by Ursai..." Nora continued.

"They were Beowolves" Ren corrected again.

"Dozens of them!" Ms. Valkyrie loudly exclaimed.

"Two of 'em" Ren corrected for the _third_ time.

"But they were no match us! Well, mostly me, because they interrupted a quickie Ren and I were having. So I took them both down with my bare hands out of sexual frustration! While naked of course" Nora finished with a big smile.

"WHAT?!" Ruby, Weiss, Yang, SpongeBob, and Pyrrha shouted in shock.

"Goddamn it Barb- er, Nora" Mr. Lie muttered to himself.

Team RWBY (Minus Blake) and SNPR were having lunch in Beacon Academy's Cafeteria after having Glynda Goodwitch's fighting/training/whatever-the-fuck-it's-called class. During said lunch, Nora had decided to tell them all what happened to her and Ren in Emerald Forest, back when they were looking for the Chaos Emeralds.

"So you guys just... randomly fucked in the middle of a Grimm infested forest?" Yang inquired in utter bewilderment.

"Well, it's not all that surprising. I mean, I ate out Weiss' ass, remember?" Ruby reminded her incestual sister.

"And I tried to grab SpongeBob's dick for a quickie, but accidentally grabbed his nose instead" Pyrrha admitted with a giggle, causing the sponge to stare at her in confusion.

"Wha- am I the only one who didn't have sex, and/or didn't try to have sex!?" the blonde loudly questioned everyone in the cafeteria.

"Yep!" everyone in the cafeteria answered, including the shadow students.

"You need to step your sex game up!" someone shouted over to Yang.

Ms. Xiao Long let out an annoyed "Hmph", as she slouched down in her seat with her arms crossed.

 **What about when Blake fell head first into your boobs and started purring? Which made your nipples harden.**

"That doesn't count. She didn't do it voluntarily" the blonde haired girl rectified.

"Wait... Blake... fell into your boobs?" Weiss asked a tad bit sadly.

 **Yep, anyone want a flashback?**

"Sure, I love to see my sissy's nipples harden~" Ruby sexually said.

"Disregarding that totally incestual comment for a second, sure. I'm curious about how it happened" the Valley Girl commented, glaring at Yang.

 **Alright, here we go!**

* * *

 **Flashback**

"ALRIGHT! WHO THE FUCK IS NEXT!?" Yang yelled out to the forest.

*RUSTLE*

The large breasted girl quickly looked at a different group of bushes. "Get your sorry ass out here, NOW!"

After Yang's demand, Blake emerged from the bushes with a frighted look on her face.

"Um...hello. Meow meow" Blake greeted meekly.

Yang instantly depowered upon seeing the not faunus. "Oh...it's you Blake"

"Yes, and do you know what this means? Meow meow" Blake questioned, slightly blushing.

"That we're on the same team" Yang proudly said, giving Blake a thumbs up.

"Yes, but we're also going to be shipped together. Meow meow" the bow headed girl added, blushing even more.

"...No...no...NNNOOOOOOOOOO!" Yang shouted in defeat, falling to her knees. "Damn it! I wanted to be shipped with Ruby! No one can sexually please her like I do!"

"WHAT! Meow meow!?" Blake screamed in shock.

Yang speedily stood up and grabbed Blake by her shoulders. "Yes! I fuck my little sister, OKAY! We have hot steamy sex with each other. We even have threesomes with Crescent Rose sometimes too! Are you happy now, Blake? You know that Ruby and I are incestual! So when the day comes for us to have sex since we're shipped with each other, know this. You'll be eating out, and/or scissoring the same vagina my little sister used to eat out and scissor!"

Blake's brain couldn't comprehend what was just revealed to her. So she did what anybody would do in a situation like this. Pass out from the shock of it all, straight into Yang's boobs.

"...Well...this got awkward" the blonde said to herself, looking down at the Cat Furry nestled between her breasts.

Blake then starting purring in Yang's breasts. Making the gauntlet wearing girls's nipples harden.

"Oh yes~" Yang moaned sexually.

 _"Oh God"_

 **Oh me. Oh moo. Oh my**

"Ooh na na. What's my name?" Ozpin interjected, referencing Rihanna's song titled 'What's My Name?'.

 _"Both of you shut up"_

* * *

 **End of Flashback**

"WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU TWO REALLY ARE INCESTUAL?!" Weiss screamed, suddenly standing up.

Everyone in the cafeteria immediately stopped talking after Snow White's outburst.

"Uh, sorry everyone. Ms. Schnee had a valley girl moment", Yang sheepishly and quickly lied, yanking Weiss down back to her seat.

"Weiss, ixnay on the incestualway. We'll talk about it later" Ruby whispered to the white haired girl.

"Bu-bu-bu-but" Weiss stuttered in awkwardness with her face blushing madly.

"Shhhh!" both sisters shushed, causing Weiss to shrink down in her seat.

"Oooookaaaaaaay..." SpongeBob trailed in pure confusement before turning his attention to Pyrrha. "Hey Pyrrha, what's a dick?" SpongeBob asked the redheaded girl, regarding her earlier comment to Yang.

"You don't know what a dick is?" Ren wondered aloud.

"No, but I'm assuming I have a dick since Pyrrha tried to grab it" Mr. Squarepants figured.

"Awwwwww, you're so child like and innocent. I couldn't possibly tell you what a dick is" Pyrrha sweetly told SpongeBob.

"Why not?" the Krusty Krab worker further questioned.

"Well... it's because... uhh... a dick is... something all guys have, but-"

Before Ms. Nikos could finish her response, Cardin walked past and pushed SpongeBob face first into his food.

"Hey!" all the girls at the table and Ren yelled at the armor plate wearing jerk.

"Hey yourselves. That's just payback for this little square idiot cheating with bubbles" Cardin angrily spat at them while walking away.

"Grrr, I'm gonna break his legs, and his balls, and his teeth, and his nose, and his ribs, and his neck, and then shove Magnhild-

 **Wait, pause. What the hell is** **Magnhild?**

 _"Magnhild adds to Nora's Nordic theme, as Thor, the Norse god of thunder, is said to wield the hammer Mjölnir in battle. The name is also Old Norse as well as Germanic and Norwegian which means "strong, mighty, strength" from the root magn/magan and "battle" from the root hild/hildr. Also, Magni is the Norse god of strength and son of Thor"_

 **... Damn it! I can't come up with a clever insult for** **Magnhild!**

 _"So the name_ _Magnhild is a perfect choice for Nora's weapon, yes?"_

 **mumblegrumble yes**

 _"Ha! Sucker!"_

"-and then shove Magnhild, UP HIS ASS, HEAD FIRST!" Nora threatened.

"Don't worry about it Nora, I'll take care of him" Pyrrha happily stated, grabbing a napkin and wiping SpongeBob's face.

"Are you sure? I can always help you out if-"

"I said, I'll fucking handle him, Nora" Ms. Nikos said through gritted teeth, giving the orange haired girl a yandere glare.

"Oh shit. Yandere alert" an alarmed Nora quickly said, turning back to her tray and eating, not wanting to get killed any time soon.

"Please Pyrrha, you don't have to do anything" SpongeBob implored, grabbing the napkin and wiping his own face. "Especially if it involves hurting him"

"Oh, I won't hurt him. I'll just sit him down, and have a nice, _stern_ conversation with him about his actions" Pyrrha told the sponge with a smile.

"Really? That sounds safe and adult like!" the Bikini Bottom citizen beamed.

"Wait, what? Then why did you give Nora a yandere face? That usually mean someone's about to-"

Pyrrha then gave Ruby a yandere glare and mouthed the words, "I lied to him"

"Oooooohhhh... okay" Ms. Rose meekly replied, burying her face between Yang's breasts in fear. The older sister then patted Ruby's head to comfort her.

"So when are you gonna have your adult like conversation with Cardin?" Spongebob curiously asked.

"Mmm, perhaps after Dr. Oobleck's class is over" Pyrrha decided.

"That reminds me, when does our lunch period end?" Ren asked everyone.

"Meh, it doesn't matter anyway. The chapter is about end anyway" Ruby replied, taking her face out Yang's large melons.

"Ugh" Yang groaned. "I fucking hate that. Especially since my sentences always get interru-

 **The End**

 _"Seriously? That was short"_

 **Yeah, I guess you could call it a cock tease. Get it? Because it was short and slightly unsatisfying and you have a giant hentai dick.**

 _"Yes, I get it. How hilarious... not"_

 **Alright, I guess I'll get going.**

 _"Okay"_

 **...**

 _"Why are you still here?"_

 **I don't want to end this chapter with awkward good-byes.**

 _"Get the fuck out of here!"_

 **Alright, damn.**

* * *

 **And that's it! Again, sorry about the short chapter. Believe it or not, coming up with random/wacky ideas doesn't come easy unless I keep the ball rolling, which I hope to keep doing. See you in the next chapter!**


End file.
